It has been awhile since I last wrote/typed whatever you would like to call it. I have been very busy the past month or so with us moving back to the states so this has been somewhat neglected unfortunately.
I'd like to start off by saying that I first created this blog as a way to express my feelings about my mom passing. I was first inspired to do so by a friend who experienced a loss. I saw the strength she had and how she was okay afterwards that I felt I too would be okay after I expressed my feelings. Now I feel my blog has turned into a place for me to just simply express myself. Whether that be feelings or just being a type of therapy ;) I don't think it will be soley focused on my mom now. I will explain a little later on... keep reading.
A lot has taken place since my last posting. Sorry I haven't kept you in the loop. :) I will try and start off from where I left, but forgive me if I am out of order and if I forget some things.
We moved back to America! Yay! For some reason I was sad to leave Korea. It had been home for 2 years and even though I couldn't stand not being able to go to a craft store or walk into the mall and find my size in shoes or clothes or simply understand someone talking to me, I was sad to go. I am glad to be in the U.S. though. Walmart and Michael's make America... my opinion lol
We found a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. It's kinda far but who wouldn't love driving for a little to see trees and Mt. Rainier on clear days rather than bumper to bumper traffic?! We don't really have a backyard and the drive way is really steep but those are minor.
I only have a few more classes and then I can graduate from SAC with an Associates! I am so excited! I wish I could do school in my sleep that way I could apply for Nursing School faster!
Devin bought a motorcycle... that's his therapy :) It's very very pretty! I am looking for a job and trying to register for the Fall semester. We are still waiting on our stuff from Korea to arrive, but it is coming tomorrow! Woohoo!
I just got back from visiting Janna and my Dad. Janna graduated high school on Friday. She is all grown up now! :( Dad , Janna and I were definitely missing mom. Neither one of us wanted to make the other cry so we didn't really saying anything. It's just one of those things. This lady at the graduation read a poem before the students started walking the stage thanking the mom's and pretty much telling the mom's remember when. Janna said she cried. I admit I did tear up and tried my hardest not to lose it in the bleachers. Those are the moments I wish Devin was by my side. Mile stone moments with mom not being there and a huge crowd of people being around who don't understand is even more awkward. Like Janna said though, " It was God saying Mom is here"." I pictured Mom sitting in the aisle Janna was on down on the floor and tearing up because her baby was graduating. I know there will be many more milestone moments that I will wish my mom would be there for and that Janna will wish mom would have been there for, but God had a purpose for making her an angel. People are brought into our lives and taken out of our lives for a reason. It's hard to understand at that very moment, but with time we come to figure it out.
I have come to understand that my mom would us all to be happy. At first I thought she would be upset that we weren't crying and showing our grief. The more I thought about I could hear the counselor in her saying, " You just can't put yourself through that". I don't think people in general can move on until you truly know how the loved one you lost would want/expect you to feel. After almost 7 months, I grasped that. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments. I will see a picture sometimes or something she wrote and cry. I am still human.
I think I was in funk. ( for lack of a better word) I was a little depressed. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt guilty because my mom was here to experience things with me that she wasn't going to experience with Janna. I felt depressed because my mom wasn't going to be here see certain things and give me advice on certain things. With time, I have come to realize she is still here. She may not physically be here to where I can see her, feel her, hear her, but she can see me, hear me, feel me. I know it is probably killing her that she can't talk to us( since she was big talker). You may think this is silly, but I believe my dogs can see her. When Lulu and Major just look in mid air and don't bark or anything but act if someone is there, I say " love you Mama". I know she can hear me. It makes me feel as if I am still talking to her.
My blog is in memory of my mom. It started about her and helped me to cope but now its something to help me vent. Maybe I am frustrated or sad or happy! Whatever it may be it's going here.
Sorry for being all over the place with this post. I went from happy to sad to happy to sad. Sorry emotions are emotions.Devin if you are reading this I know you are probably shaking head lol
Anyways I am going to end each post by saying what I am most thankful for. It might be a person, place or thing. But I am going to do. A dedication may be. :)
I am most thankful for my little sister. Janna we may butt heads sometimes, but I am proud of you for having morals and sticking to them. I am proud of you for graduating and now going to do great things with life. Don't worry if you don't know for sure what you want to do with Philosophy it will come to you. If you don't stick with Philosophy and you switch to something on the total opposite end of the spectrum like Business so be it! Do what you want and what makes you happy! Make cupcakes and cookies! :)
