You will never be lonely

I should be getting ready for work, but I have something on my mind and I just need to get it out!

So for those you who read this, y'all know that Devin and I have obviously had a rough and tumble past few years.

I just wanted to stop by and brag a bit on him.

So sometimes we all forget things. Whether it be due to lack of sleep, not paying attention, or we got busy with other things, we forget our phones, keys, grocery list, mind! :)

Well this morning Devin forgot this medical paper. He needed it for this appointment he had today. He calls me ( at what I think is bright an early in the morning) like 4 times 7:18am, 7:21am, 7:22am, 7:24am. He says, " I need you to do me a huge favor." I said, "What?" with morning grumpiness and frustration of being awoken.

" I need you to bring me the paper on the dining table that is sitting on top of my truck manual."

Ugh.

"REALLY?!" He replied, " I'm sorry.Throw some clothes on ( since I had on pj's) and  meet me at the 76 gas station. I'm on my way."

I grunt and groan and yell and curse. I change out of my pjs and head out the door.

Devin's truck is an 1988 Chevy Silverado. The key hole or the key or both, well you have to jiggle it in order to get it to open the dang door.

I sat for what I think was 20 minutes messing with the driver's side and the passenger side. I keep thinking " Geeze I wish there was a clicker so it would already be open."

I finally get it unlocked. I jump in the truck and go on my way. I meet him at the gas station, after I drove 15-20 minutes just to get there since we live out in the boonies. He gives me a kiss, with a smile, and thanks me.

I pouted and said I am going to get  coffee. We drive away and then I get a phone call from him.

"Can you get me a coffee?"
"Okay."

I go to starbucks sit in line and get us both coffees. After giving him his, I drive off heading back home. I call him and we talk about grocery shopping and what not and then he says, "Thank you for bringing the paper to me." I said, " You're welcome. I would have been there sooner but I couldn't get in the dang truck. I kept cursing saying 'who in the world would buy a truck that the damn key doesn't even work to open the damn thing!'" He laughed and said " I know, I know I'm sorry."

Later in the day, I'm watching a recording of X Factor and I'm telling him who got kicked off and what happened. We start talking about these people as if we've known them for years!

Throughout the day he calls to check up on me making sure I am okay and what not.

I just wanted to brag and say how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him. He  may royally piss me off, but at the end of the day we crawl into bed with our puppies and he gives me a kiss and says goodnight. We have been through a lot with one another, but we made that promise to one another that we would be there for each other through sickness and health for richer or poorer til death do us part. He is an amazing man and I hope others who have met him and been a part of our lives are able to experience his awesomeness too.

I love you Devin Taylor Monaco. XOXOX

The truth will set you FREE

So Devin and I have experience so many hardships together whether it be because of the military or because of life itself. I wanted to write a word document for the things that I can't really put out on the internet. Anyways, here I am trying to let out my frustration about army life and I find myself writing about my mom.

Is that horrible?

I mean it will be a year in a couple of weeks. I guess I should rephrase.

Should I been more "moved" on by now?

Maybe these are more rhetorical questions but still it would be nice if there was a manual or something that could help say when is the time you should be able to let loose again.

Whenever I reflect on the day that I broke down and cried in my mother-in-laws arms, I cry all over again. She just held me and comforted me and didn't judge that snot was running down my face just as fast as tears were. She told me how sorry she was, but she didn't have any part in it. This was the plan that God had for my mom. God was the only one in control.

It hurt seeing my mom in such a vulnerable position.

I just needed to get that out there and take a deep breath and ramble and rant.

(((((( BIG BREATH))))))

((((((SIGH))))))

((((INHALE))))

(((((EXHALE))))

Okay I am ready.

So I had to work Halloween. It sucked because I had asked off for it like 3 weeks ago and I never got a response so I figured that meant I had to work. It wasn't too busy, but at the tail end right before we close we get a table. It was like 15 minutes til so it wasn't bad and since they tipped $20 it wasn't bad either. Well we close at 9 on Wednesday and here the sign is off and it's apparent that we are closed, but this lady sees the open sign off, reads the hours, and opens the door and asks if we are open. My boss's friends told him to just let them in so he did. They stayed for an hour and ordered all kinds of food. They were nice and funny at least, but still come on people.

I was really looking forward to passing out candy with Devin tonight, but nope that wasn't in the works for us. Devin had to do 24 hour duty and I had to work ( like mentioned earlier). I think passing out the candy would probably be more fun than trick or treating because:
1. You buy the candy and you can ration out how much you give so at the end of the night you have candy, that you like, all to yourself and you didn't even have to go door to door.
2. You get to see all the creative costumes ranging from ages infant-adult lol

Anyways, by the time Christmas rolls around I will be over this but for now I am upset. :)

Well so the sushi chef decides to tell me, after he has been drinking and while we are waiting for the last table to finish, that people who pray are weak. I said, "What?!" He replied, " Yea, people pray for a better life, things to happen in their favor, etc so they are weak." I said, "NO! And you don't want to get me started on this so I suggest you stop." He said, " No really, they are weak. Why you pray?" I said, " Yes I do." He said, " Oh well, sorry." I said, " Now I know you are drunk but seriously you need to keep that off limits."

It just pissed me off and made me really want to leave more because of how ignorant he was/is. I still can't believe he said that out loud.

TRANSITION

So I have been craving mexican candy. I sent my dad a picture of these lollipops I wanted plus the spaghetti lucas. He sent me so much that I will have enough by the time we go back to Texas. My dad sends the greatest care packages though. They last for forever!

I just wanted to end this saying I am honored to call my dad MY dad. ( Well yea, he's Janna's dad too , but you get what I mean) His next door neighbor had three kids all in high school. The oldest who was a senior committed suicide last week. The mom found him and she is having nightmares and still greatly effected. ( Of course) They pay $1100 a month for rent and got their car repossessed. My dad wants to help them and have them move into his old house once he puts new carpet in it and help them out. They can get out of the house with the bad juju and pay less a month for rent. This man is truly self less.

Let it out

Geeze, I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted! A lot sure has happened in this past month. I guess I just want to give you thrilling news that's why I wait so long to post. Haha

Well we are leaving WA soon! It's going to be so exciting to be back home with family and friends. It will have been a little over a year since Devin has been back to Texas. I would say the same for me, but I went in May for Janna's graduation. I am craving a chorizo and potato taco, whataburger, chik fil a, and chili's LOL Washington is definitely missing out on some good eats!

We found out Devin has to do reserves for a little over 4 years to fulfill his contract to the Army. It's not the worse thing, but they didn't have his job available so he has to re class. That also is not the worse thing ever, it's just irritating. We will get through it though. I have my usual day, if not just a few hours, to grunt and groan and holler and curse, but after that I face it head on and roll with it. I mean honestly what else can I do? If I remain negative about it the whole time, then I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not helping Devin any. I know he is just as frustrated because it conflicts with his schooling and what he wants to do too. I need to be here to support him. I joke sometimes and say that I should write a book about our "adventures" in the military. I think I should really take that into consideration. No one has the same story and I personally think each story is interesting. TLC , Bravo, or Discovery should really consider making a reality show about military wives. Not just Army all the branches. I think it would give good insight.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I have to work unfortunately. I was looking forward to passing out candy with Devin, but oh well I guess. Hopefully, it's not too crazy. This weekend is a pet expo in puyallup. Since Devin and I have been dating, we would go to the Live Oak Civic Center and attend the pet shows. Devin got his first bird there.Anyways, we are animal lovers and like to go to them so that is our plan for this weekend. Also, there is a sonic in Puyallup so I think a cherry limeade and tater tots are calling my name! :)

My mom's birthday is coming up. On Monday, she would have been 57. I know she is having a good celebration with her dad in heaven. I just wish she was here so we could have a margarita together. It's crazy that in a few weeks it will be a year since she has passed. It's a bit surreal.

There is this show on TLC called Long Island Medium. I started watching it and have really gotten into it. Janna and my dad don't know this, but I went to Theresa Caputo's website and asked to be put on her waiting list. I was watching it last night and the whole time Devin was making fun of it. I know he thinks its fake, but I really believe in it. If I can meet Theresa and she can do a reading for me great. If not, that's okay too. I'm really just curious.

This semester is flying by. I will be taking my final sometime in the beginning of December. I'm surprised. I can't wait for this class to be done though and onto my last three classes so I can graduate in May! Woohooo

Too early

I got up pretty early this morning. Usually after devin leaves I can go right back to bed no problem. Today is different. I had an interesting dream and I think it's because I went to bed thinking about it.

I dreamed that mom was still alive and we called her and the first thing she said was ,"I'm so glad I get to spend more time with Devin." I said ,"What do you mean?" and she said, "I didn't know his grandpa passed away in 1976." I said, " He didn't. He pass away in 2010." She just smiled. Then I woke up.

I went to bed thinking about my mom. I miss her terribly. We did the 5th annual brain cancer awareness walk on Saturday in Seattle. It was a rewarding experience. I saw some people there who have brain cancer. It obviously struck a nerve and I cried for a little. Luckily, I wasn't the only one their crying. :) Anyways, a lot of people were walking with walkers or in wheelchairs. Some were walking without the help of any cane, etc they were just walking with their friends and family. It inspired Devin and I to start our own walk in San Antonio. I know the Race for the Cure is huge in San Antonio. I am in the process of figuring out how I can go about starting San Antonio's brain cancer awareness walk.

I was watching Sixteen Candles and in the beginning Molly Ringwald is on the school bus and there is a girl sitting across from her wearing a back brace. My mom use to wear just like that. She would tell Janna and I about how she got teased all the time in school. She even won an award one time and this one girl came up to my mom and told her that she only got the award because of her back brace. My mom didn't want it if that was the true reason so she gave it to the little girl. Her teacher found out and gave it back to her and told her she earned the award. It had nothing to do with her having a back brace.

On the Ellen show, she talks about how we need to stop bullying. When my mom was a counselor, she always dealt with bullying and helped the bullies and those who were getting bullied. I sat in bed last night in amazement as to how much of an impact my mom still had on people.

I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post but if I did oh well. When Janna and I were little, my mom would take us to this daycare right by her work. The lady who owned it, Ms. Cherri, had a daughter named Ashley. She was about our same age. She went to my mom's school. I found her on facebook and she told me how sorry she was for my loss and told me how much of an impact my mom had on her life. She then posted on her facebook status about my mom passing and one of Ashley's friend commented and said how he remembered my mom and how nice of a lady she was.  She helped Ashley deal with bullying and was always an advocate to end bullying. I would always laugh, but it really is a serious subject. I know I got bullied in middle school and my mom was the first person to help me.

I don't know if I am making any sense. Now the whole me not going back to bed is catching up with me. My eyesight is getting blurry. Well anyways, thanks for listening to me babble and get some  things off of my chest.

Begins with a Single Step

Saturday is the Brain Cancer Awareness Walk in Seattle.

Devin and I are going to walk with my Aunt and Uncle. ( My mom's sister) They are flying from Oklahoma on Thursday. I printed a picture of mom from our wedding that captures her personality and who she was perfectly. I am going to bring it to the walk and place it in the Tent of Honor. She definitely deserves to be honored. :)

Here is the link for our website that I created. It has walk information and links for you to sign up, as a virtual walker if you are not able to attend in person, and a link to make donations.

http://community.swedish.org/walkingforacause

I tried to post the picture of her that I am bringing to the walk but it was too large and since I am not all that computer literate I couldn't resize it. I decided I would attempt to put it on here so you too can understand what I am talking about.

Oh goody! ( As Mom would say!) It worked! You see what I mean? This is the perfect picture of her.

I didn't have a whole lot to write about today,but I have one last thing for you to read. As you start your day, remember this poem:

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

My dad read this and knew it was about my mom. At her funeral, this song was played. It really makes you think, am I truly living?

Take a moment to re evaluate your life and the choices you have made.

A journey of a thousand miles....

Lots has been going on since my last post. I got a job at a restaurant in town and Devin's ETS date moved up from April to January. Even though things may be stressful, it really is a blessing to be leaving Washington before the Spring semester starts; meaning I will be able to take my last three classes in person at SAC and graduate May 2013. I am so excited to end that chapter and hopefully begin new with nursing school.

I didn't realize how expensive nursing school is going to be. Once that is completed it is definitely something I will tell my kids about! I am praying I will submit my application July 2013 to where I can attend January 2014. Prayers greatly appreciated.

Janna has officially moved into Texas A&M. She is super excited. I think she will enjoy learning about being on her own and making her own schedule. Afterall, it is a part of growing up.

I finally got in touch with my wedding photographer and I am trying, little by little, to get all of the pictures picked out for our album, prints, and portrait. It's hard because I want every single picture with my mom. Fortunately, I do have the discs which the pictures are on and I am sure Wal-mart would love my business, but my pocket book would not. :)

Dad is doing good. He had a horrible episode with his gout to where he developed an aorta abdominal anersym. Luckily, it's small enough to where nothing needs to be done. Things like that make me wish we were coming home sooner so we could help me out.

Devin is doing good. He has always been that rock for me to turn to when I am need. I hope I am doing the same for him. It's a very stressful process getting out of the Army, but the only way you can achieve your goals is to move forward. He is planning on finishing his Associates in Collision Repair while also completing courses for a Business degree. He is wanting to eventually transfer to Texas A&M San Antonio and attend their School of Business.  I know he will do great with that. He is wanting to also attend MMI, a motorcycle mechanic school, to where one day he could possibly own his own motorcycle business something similar to the American Choppers guys. Who knows maybe one day we will see him on TV :)

We went to church this past Sunday and that was definitely what I needed. Sometimes I do feel defeated and mixed up on what decision is the best. The only way to know is going down one road and seeing the results. I feel it helps seeking advice from others in order to help make your decision. At these times, I need my mom. She may have driven me crazy when it came to stuff like this, at times, but she always had a way of making the situation better and easier to handle. The message at church was to grow and become a follower of God rather than a fan. The pastor had us fill in blanks to complete messages. At the end we were asked questions to see what stage we were at. One of the questions was, "Could I put the grudges and bitterness towards other aside?" My mom came to my mind. No matter what my mom was always able to put the grudges to the side. She greeted every person she came into contact with with a smile and maybe even a hug. She always praised people even if they didn't praise her. I never understood why until this Sunday. She was becoming a follower of God. She wouldn't be able to do that if she continued to hang on to those grudges and bitterness.

The people who are left behind here on Earth who were graced with knowing my mom, whether they had a tight relationship or not, are truly blessed and touched by her kind soul.

Milestones and Memories

It has been awhile since I last wrote/typed whatever you would like to call it. I have been very busy the past month or so with us moving back to the states so this has been somewhat neglected unfortunately. 

I'd like to start off by saying that I first created this blog as a way to express my feelings about my mom passing. I was first inspired to do so by a friend who experienced a loss. I saw the strength she had and how she was okay afterwards that I felt I too would be okay after I expressed my feelings.  Now I feel my blog has turned into a place for me to just simply express myself. Whether that be feelings or just being a type of therapy ;) I don't think it will be soley focused on my mom now. I will explain a little later on... keep reading.

A lot has taken place since my last posting. Sorry I haven't kept you in the loop. :) I will try and start off from where I left, but forgive me if I am out of order and if I forget some things.

We moved back to America! Yay! For some reason I was sad to leave Korea. It had been home for 2 years and even though I couldn't stand not being able to go to a craft store or walk into the mall and find my size in shoes or clothes or simply understand someone talking to me, I was sad to go. I am glad to be in the U.S. though. Walmart and Michael's make America... my opinion lol 

We found a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. It's kinda far but who wouldn't love driving for a little to see trees and Mt. Rainier on clear days rather than bumper to bumper traffic?! We don't really have a backyard and the drive way is really steep but those are minor.

I only have a few more classes and then I can graduate from SAC with an Associates! I am so excited! I wish I could do school in my sleep that way I could apply for Nursing School faster!

Devin bought a motorcycle... that's his therapy :) It's very very pretty! I am looking for a job and trying to register for the Fall semester. We are still waiting on our stuff from Korea to arrive, but it is coming tomorrow! Woohoo!


I just got back from visiting Janna and my Dad. Janna graduated high school on Friday. She is all grown up now! :( Dad , Janna and I were definitely missing mom. Neither one of us wanted to make the other cry so we didn't really saying anything. It's just one of those things. This lady at the graduation read a poem before the students started walking the stage thanking the mom's and pretty much telling the mom's remember when. Janna said she cried. I admit I did tear up and tried my hardest not to lose it in the bleachers. Those are the moments I wish Devin was by my side. Mile stone moments with mom not being there and a huge crowd of people being around who don't understand is even more awkward. Like Janna said though, " It was God saying Mom is here"." I pictured Mom sitting in the aisle Janna was on down on the floor and tearing up because her baby was graduating. I know there will be many more milestone moments that I will wish my mom would be there for and that Janna will wish mom would have been there for, but God had a purpose for making her an angel. People are brought into our lives and taken out of our lives for a reason. It's hard to understand at that very moment, but with time we come to figure it out. 

I have come to understand that my mom would us all to be happy. At first I thought she would be upset that we weren't crying and showing our grief. The more I thought about I could hear the counselor in her saying, " You just can't put yourself through that". I don't think people in general can move on until you truly know how the loved one you lost would want/expect you to feel. After almost 7 months, I grasped that. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments. I will see a picture sometimes or something she wrote and cry. I am still human.

I think I was in funk. ( for lack of a better word) I was a little depressed. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt guilty because my mom was here to experience things with me that she wasn't going to experience with Janna. I felt depressed because my mom wasn't going to be here see certain things and give me advice on certain things. With time, I have come to realize she is still here. She may not physically be here to where I can see her, feel her, hear her, but she can see me, hear me, feel me. I know it is probably killing her that she can't talk to us( since she was big talker). You may think this is silly, but I believe my dogs can see her. When Lulu and Major just look in mid air and don't bark or anything but act if someone is there, I say " love you Mama". I know she can hear me. It makes me feel as if I am still talking to her.

My blog is in memory of my mom. It started about her and helped me to cope but now its something to help me vent. Maybe I am frustrated or sad or happy! Whatever it may be it's going here.

Sorry for being all over the place with this post. I went from happy to sad to happy to sad. Sorry emotions are emotions.Devin if you are reading this I know you are probably shaking head lol 


Anyways I am going to end each post by saying what I am most thankful for. It might be a person, place or thing. But I am going to do. A dedication may be. :)

 I am most thankful for my little sister. Janna we may butt heads sometimes, but I am proud of you for having morals and sticking to them. I am proud of you for graduating and now going to do great things with life. Don't worry if you don't know for sure what you want to do with Philosophy it will come to you. If you don't stick with Philosophy and you switch to something on the total opposite end of the spectrum like Business so be it! Do what you want and what makes you happy! Make cupcakes and cookies! :)