I thought my writing, or I guess typing really, my thoughts out I would be able to get things off of my chest in general not just about my mom but just stuff.
I have my good days and I have my bad days. I will miss my mom like crazy and then feel as if she is just on vacation. I know I am probably going to have these emotions for awhile and it's normal. I just wish things could go back to how they were a few years ago when she was here and I was talking with her.
The other day I broke down to Devin and told him how I regretted arguing with mom during the wedding. I had high expectations on my bridal shower. My sister and my mom did a really good job, but with the stress I was under my emotions got the best of me. Sorry Janna for being so bitchy then. I love you. I told Devin I felt so bad for arguing with my mom. He said, " She knows you love her and that you didn't mean to." I just kept feeling like I needed to call her and tell her myself but I couldn't. That's what sucks the most.
I told Devin I just miss her voice and not being able to talk to her whenever I want. Honest to God, once she became more incoherent and was hard to talk to the phone calls we had were few and far between. It was frustrating talking with and having to repeat myself over and over. I kept telling myself she doesn't know it's okay just keeping talking to her. I know sometimes she knew she was repeating herself and tried to catch herself.
If she was here today, I would tell her.... I am sorry for all those petty arguments we had. I'm sorry I didn't call or text more often while I was in Korea. I miss you more than ever and I love your hugs! You have the best hugs and give the best advice.
I know she is here with me and follows me at my side everyday it's just hard to remember since I can't physically see her. Sometimes Devin and I will be talking and if it's something that reminds us of Mom we will say out loud " Sorry Mom" or " You know you're laughing Mom".
I don't know what I would do without Devin and my dad and sister. This has been a very difficult situation and process. The most hardest things to deal with hands down. Since my dad and sister are not within arms reach,Devin is always there to just grab me and give me a hug and let me cry it all out. I love him for that. He reassures me that she is here and is probably kicking me in the butt whenever I am clearly wrong in an argument! :) If she agreed with Devin, she would always say to me, " Luci, now now just listen to Devin" and pat me on the back. :)
She always knew how to calm me down when I had a paranoia moment. I remember whenever it would be the night before the first day of school and for some reason I would always have a meltdown and think something wrong was going to happen. Yes I am a bit of a control freak and need a little order in my life. :) She was amazing.
I'm glad I was able to be with her before she went. At first, I didn't think she knew I was there but after a few minutes she knew it was me. It broke my heart to see her in so much discomfort. My dad felt horrible for having to put her in a nursing home, but it really was the best option. We would go and feed her breakfast and give her hello kisses. You could tell as the week progressed that her head was hurting more and more which is why she started taking the pain meds and stopped eating.
Honestly, I am glad she is able to no longer be in pain. That's all any of us really wanted. We had prepared ourselves for the day she would leave us and she was a true fighter. When she was given not even a few days, she pushed through a few days. Like a good friend once told me, "it would be selfish of me to have wanted her to stay if that meant her being in pain". My mom would have done anything for Janna and I if she was in right state of mind but in pain she would have done anything and everything in order to be with us longer. But now it was our turn to take care of her and make sure she was okay.
To me, no matter how old the person is death is always difficult. You no longer have that person right by you to talk to and do things with. You just have to reassure yourself that they are in God's hands being an angel and watching over you and their loved ones making sure yall are okay. Don't get me wrong I am not perfect and always remembering this. I have my moments where I am like " Is she really here watching over me". I just wonder what she is doing. The what if's kill me and will if I keep dwelling on them. I just have to know in my heart she is really here walking among us still.
I do believe in ghosts and angels and an afterlife and what not. Call me crazy, but I believe that my mom is an angel and she watches over my sister, dad, and I from heaven above when we are all up at the same time. When some of us are awake, she then becomes a ghost you could say and walks among us. I truly believe this.
I watched the movie The Sixth Sense the other day with Devin. I had never seen it. Sorry for anyone who hasn't seen it, but whenever a ghost is in the room the room gets really really cold. Well in Korea, it's super cold outside so our apartment is really warm. At night and in the morning, I will get random chills and have to curl up under a blanket in order to get warm. I think my mom is here then. I have heard that pets can only see in black and white so they can see ghosts. Well often, Major and Peach, Major especially, will look off into the air and just stare. Nothing is there. No noise. No person. But I believe my mom is there and heck maybe even my Grandma and my mom with her Dad. I never got to meet him but I know he was probably a sweet sweet man.
I will often say, " I wish mom was here to see this or do this", but what I don't realize and have to keep telling myself is "She is here". I know she wouldn't want me to sit and be sad all day that she isn't here for me to physically touch, but it's hard. Plain and simple.
Love you mom.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The VERY first post....
Where to start... over the past two years life has been the biggest roller coaster. There were plenty of ups and plenty of downs. It seemed like whenever something good happened something bad was always there to knock it over. I think the best place to begin would be two years ago after I graduated from high school...
I graduated in 2009 and my boyfriend, now husband, Devin decided to join the military. He was going to go active duty and was beginning the process. October 19th, 2009 he left to go to basic training. I was devastated. I didn't know what I was going to do not being able to hear his voice. Letters and occasional 5 minute phone calls was all the communication we had for a few months. He was able to come home for Christmas during his training. On Christmas Eve, he proposed in front the dance studio at our Alma mater, James Madison High School. Devin later explained to me that we needed to get married as soon as possible so I could be on his orders for when he was assigned to his next duty station. On New Year's Day, we got married. It was a hassle trying to find a Justice of the Peace that was going to be open on that day, but my parents found one! He wore his uniform while I wore a cute sweater and our families were present. The next day Devin had to return to Kentucky to finish his basic training. Fortunately, we would be there in the next few weeks to see him graduate.
His graduation was an experience. We weren't able to spend as much as time with him as we thought on family day and we barely saw him at the ceremony. My mom flew with me to Kentucky because she wanted to be there to see Devin graduate. We were flying back to San Antonio the same day as Devin's graduation, so after the ceremony we headed to the airport and were able to meet Devin there. We got lucky and his flight was the around the same time as ours! We would be heading to Dallas first though then to San Antonio. At the last minute, he changed his flight to ours going to Dallas. My mom offered to move to his seat so we could sit together. She was so proud of him! She bragged about him and us the entire way!
We landed in Dallas and parted ways, but I would be seeing him in a couple of hours to meet him at the airport in San Antonio. My mom and I rushed home and grabbed a few things he wanted and then headed back to the airport. We met up with him and then said our goodbyes again til he was able to call. Fortunately, his AIT was in San Antonio since his MOS was a medical job. After a few months of training, he finally got his orders. He would be going to Korea unaccompanied. I was so upset. I wouldn't be able to go with him and we just got married! We hadn't even been together for a full month to where we saw each other every day!
Once he got to Korea, he started to get information on how to go about bringing me over. We debated several times on whether or not I should go. We ultimately decided that we missed each other too much and we would see how command sponsorship would go. A couple of months passed by and I thought I would never go except for vacation. Fortunately, after four months of waiting, we were approved! Devin moved to a different post so he could sponsored faster, so I was in Korea a few weeks after he found a place! It was hard leaving my family and friends behind and traveling miles and miles away by myself. I had never been on a plane that long before! It was scary and exciting at the same time. I went from San Antonio to Minnesota then Minnesota to Japan and then Japan to Korea. It was a long flight!! Devin met me at the airport and picked me up. We were so happy to be reunited and ready to start our lives together.
After a month of being in Korea, I was still adjusting to how things went military wise and Korea wise. It was difficult at first, but I realized I needed to get up and get out and explore! I was enjoying being a house wife. Cooking and cleaning. It was fun. Then after two months of being in Korea, my dad called and told me some very horrible news. My mom's memory was getting really bad and she wasn't remembering things she had been doing for years, such as paperwork for her job. She was an elementary school counselor for 30 years. Basic everyday paperwork she no longer remembered what it was for. My dad was getting very worried so he took her to a neurologist and a psychiatrist to get her evaluated. The psychiatrist thought she was depressed with me leaving and work being more hectic. Once she visited the neurologist, we found out even more.
I remember I was walking through the apartment and Devin and I were arguing about something and all of a sudden my phone went off. It was a text message from my dad telling me that the MRI my mom had done came back saying she had a tumor on the left side of her brain. It was 8cmx4cm. They needed to do surgery to remove it so they could run a biopsy to see if it was cancerous. I freaked out. You're kidding right? My mom has a brain tumor! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The only thing I knew to do was go back home and be there for her surgery.
Devin took emergency leave and we went back to Texas for her surgery. She was very scared and didn't want us to worry. She kept saying everything was going to be okay as tears welled up in her eyes. My sister, dad, Devin and I were by her side before they took her off to start the procedure. My mom was concerned that when she got out or surgery that she wasn't going to have any hair.We told not to worry that it didn't matter if she had hair. Well after about 5 or so hours my mom was out of surgery and doing really well. She was alert and knew who people were even though she was still groggy from the anesthesia. They were able to take out 99% of the tumor, but according to the doctors she would still need chemotherapy and radiation if it were malignant because there would still be some cancer still that the surgery was unable to get. We told her goodnight and we loved her and went home to get some rest.
The next morning mom was having pain where they did surgery. She said it was throbbing. They came in and gave her medicine along with food.She was talkative as usual. My aunt, her sister, had come to see her and was in the room with us. My aunt and my cousin and had made me very angry before my mom had surgery. I can't say why now, but maybe later I can. My aunt and I ended up getting into a fight and my aunt left. My mom was about to have an MRI done and she hated getting them done because of it being so tight. She was claustrophobic. We were trying to calm her down and with my aunt and I getting into an argument didn't help.
My mom went off and got her MRI done and for the next couple of days she did physical therapy to help her get back to her old self before surgery. She was able to walk up and down stairs and feed herself along with dressing herself. She was only in the hospital for 3 days after her surgery and was able to go home. We were so excited that she was doing so well. We had faith everything was going to be okay. A few weeks later, we found out the tumor was malignant. My mom was devastated. She didn't know what to say except for "I'm just going to take it a day at a time" and "God is great". I couldn't believe how well she was taking it. We visited 4 doctors in a matter of a few hours all telling us the same thing. It was cancer and it was an aggressive rare cancer. My mom just continued to say "God is great". Here the radiologist is telling my mom straight up, you may have only 13 months to live, and my mom just keeps repeating "God is great". I couldn't understand how she thought that when she was now diagnosed with cancer.
I stayed til the beginning of December to be there for her chemotherapy and radiation treatments. When she would go through her radiation treatments, she had to lay on this board and put a mask that was extremely tight over face that clipped to the board. The beams would shoot through only certain parts so she had to wear the mask in order to keep her head in one place. She was so nervous because of how claustrophobic she was. She kept a smile on though and told us she loved us every time before she headed in. My dad and I would sit in the waiting area for about 10 minutes. I read a magazine or a book while he made origami. The cancer treatment facility was very decked out by the time we left each day!
I was torn on whether or not I should stay longer. I wanted to be with Devin and I wanted to be with my mom. Things seemed to be getting better with my mom so I thought it would be okay if I went ahead and went back to Korea to be with Devin. He was only able to stay for a week because of how many leave days he had. I went back to Korea and Devin and I were able to spend our first Christmas together. He surprised me with a real christmas tree! I was so excited! I had brought all kinds of different ornaments with me to decorate it!
As the months passed by, things were getting better with my mom. Before I left, she had started to lose hair and we went and got her some wigs. In March, my family would be coming to Korea to visit us for Spring Break. They were able to stay for a week and see a few sights. We went and ate at our favorite restaurants around town along with stores. Shopping was definitely a hobby. The week went by fast and before we knew it they were going back to Texas. Fortunately, we would see them in a few more months, June to be exact, for our wedding.
So we headed back in June and got some last minute things ready for our wedding. July 1st we got married. It was so much fun, even though there was plenty of stress, having the wedding. My grandma had passed away a couple of months before the wedding so since all the family was around my dad thought it would be good to have a memorial service for my grandma. The next day, on Devin's birthday, we had the services. One at the gravesite and one at a restaurant where we could share stories. Our last few days being in San Antonio went by fast. We had a big bbq at Devin's parent's house with friends and family. It was nice.
We headed back to Korea and started back up at work. It was bittersweet. We needed to get back on a schedule but we wanted to stay at home longer! Well once we got back, my mom had another MRI done and found out there was another tumor growing on the right side of her brain. The doctors suggested that my mom try a study drug that would cut off the blood supply to the cells at the tumor so it wouldn't grow anymore. Well it ended up working. She was getting hair back and doing the study drug treatments. It seemed like things were going in the right direction. Then....
My dad was telling me that my mom wasn't doing well. He had picked her up from visiting her family in Dallas and noticed she was very disoriented. When I talked to my mom on the phone, she didn't know who I was. Over the next few weeks, my dad told me that things weren't looking good. My mom wasn't eating like she usually was and didn't really know what was going on. My mom was getting to the point where she needed my dad to do everything for her and he was unable to do that by himself. He decided it would be best to put her into a nursing home. I was scared. My mom is 56 years old and going into a nursing home. I had done clinicals in a nursing home and the majority of the people in there were in their 80's. I didn't know what to think. I flew out as soon as I could to be with her.
The first time I saw her I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was not the same person I had seen a few months ago. It was amazing how fast everything was happening. I didn't have Devin to hold me just my sister and Dad and mother-in-law. I was so upset with what was going on I didn't know what to do. I knew I needed to let my mom know I loved her and that she meant the world to me. I sat there and fed her dinner as tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't want her to see me crying and upset so I got up and walked out. It was so upsetting.
Hospice was coming and checking her vitals and the staff at the nursing home was checking on her too. The staff didn't do the greatest job so we were constantly having to get on them, but they just showed me how not to be when I get my nursing degree. Mom was doing pretty good. She was eating and pushing herself up off the bed, with some help of course, and she was even having an appetite. I was getting optimistic now. She had a lot of friends come by and see her. She was joking around and making 'whatever' signs with her hands. She was cracking me up.
That was her last good day.
After that she started having mini seizures and her blood pressure was dropping. Devin flew in immediately. She stopped eating and drinking. She lost the ability to swallow and wasn't able to really speak. When she was really starting to go down, Janna and I sat next to her at her bed and cried. We told her we loved her and that she was a great mom and did amazing things. She taught us great life lessons and we loved her for that. We were thankful to call her mom and be her daughters. We told her it was okay if she went. We would be okay. She nodded her head. She said, " It's not my fault". We said " Oh no mom we know that we love you".
Her headaches got more often and worse and she was having more seizures. She was on round the clock pain meds in order to make her feel comfortable. She was finally sleeping curled up with her mouth closed. We spent the night at the nursing home in her room, since she had a private one. When we woke up the next day, we had taken our things back to the house and decided to go out and get some air. Devin took Janna, her boyfriend Reis, and I to some pet stores and to grab some food. We headed back after awhile and walked into mom's room. I went up to her and said I loved her and kissed her on the forehead like I did everyday. I had to walk out of the room because her hand was so discolored now. I walked out and went down the hall. Devin came after me and gave me a hug. All of a sudden Janna came down the hallway and said , " Mom is gone". I ran back and went into her room and cried. I just sobbed at her bedside. I walked out of the room and walked with Devin outside. My dad went for a walk as did Janna. We lost our mom, wife, and best friend November 20, 2011.
I miss her like crazy. I wish she was here so I could hear her voice and just tell her about Pinterest and the cool recipes I found and how I tried them. She always loved it when I cooked and was so proud. I have been thinking lately about death and how weird it is. We often say "See you soon" as if we know what is going to happen. We don't know though. That's what scares me the most, not knowing for sure. My mom was scared of dying too. I think it was because one she didn't want to leave us and two because she didn't know what it was like and what happened afterwards. I know that one day we will die, but it's just hard to fathom that thought.
I have been through a lot of death at the age I am at. I am 21 and have only seen two people die, but more than a handful of people have died while I have been alive that I knew. I know there has to be something beyond because God does exist and is there for all of us. It's hard to know why he does certain things though sometimes. My mom strongly believed God had a plan for us and it involved good and bad things. I do too. We may not always like them but there is a reason for it. Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed I can feel my mom around me. It feels as if she is standing behind me watching me put my makeup on or watching me sleep and say my prayers. Sometimes I think I see quick blurs that flash by me and I think its her. Even though I cannot see her physically I know she is watching over Devin and I, my sister, my dad, and other family and friends. She always wanted the best for everyone and wanted to make sure that everyone was okay. Now she can know for sure people are okay and doing fine. It's very hard to not have her here in person, but she really is here and I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm not gunna lie. I have my freak out moments and think OMG what is going to happen if... but then I bring myself back to reality and realize God has a plan. It may not be the plan I think is the best but God knows I am strong enough to deal with certain situations and wouldn't put me in a situation that I couldn't handle.
"God may not answer your prayers in the way you think He should, but if you look at the whole picture He answers them in a way that is best for you."
I graduated in 2009 and my boyfriend, now husband, Devin decided to join the military. He was going to go active duty and was beginning the process. October 19th, 2009 he left to go to basic training. I was devastated. I didn't know what I was going to do not being able to hear his voice. Letters and occasional 5 minute phone calls was all the communication we had for a few months. He was able to come home for Christmas during his training. On Christmas Eve, he proposed in front the dance studio at our Alma mater, James Madison High School. Devin later explained to me that we needed to get married as soon as possible so I could be on his orders for when he was assigned to his next duty station. On New Year's Day, we got married. It was a hassle trying to find a Justice of the Peace that was going to be open on that day, but my parents found one! He wore his uniform while I wore a cute sweater and our families were present. The next day Devin had to return to Kentucky to finish his basic training. Fortunately, we would be there in the next few weeks to see him graduate.
His graduation was an experience. We weren't able to spend as much as time with him as we thought on family day and we barely saw him at the ceremony. My mom flew with me to Kentucky because she wanted to be there to see Devin graduate. We were flying back to San Antonio the same day as Devin's graduation, so after the ceremony we headed to the airport and were able to meet Devin there. We got lucky and his flight was the around the same time as ours! We would be heading to Dallas first though then to San Antonio. At the last minute, he changed his flight to ours going to Dallas. My mom offered to move to his seat so we could sit together. She was so proud of him! She bragged about him and us the entire way!
We landed in Dallas and parted ways, but I would be seeing him in a couple of hours to meet him at the airport in San Antonio. My mom and I rushed home and grabbed a few things he wanted and then headed back to the airport. We met up with him and then said our goodbyes again til he was able to call. Fortunately, his AIT was in San Antonio since his MOS was a medical job. After a few months of training, he finally got his orders. He would be going to Korea unaccompanied. I was so upset. I wouldn't be able to go with him and we just got married! We hadn't even been together for a full month to where we saw each other every day!
Once he got to Korea, he started to get information on how to go about bringing me over. We debated several times on whether or not I should go. We ultimately decided that we missed each other too much and we would see how command sponsorship would go. A couple of months passed by and I thought I would never go except for vacation. Fortunately, after four months of waiting, we were approved! Devin moved to a different post so he could sponsored faster, so I was in Korea a few weeks after he found a place! It was hard leaving my family and friends behind and traveling miles and miles away by myself. I had never been on a plane that long before! It was scary and exciting at the same time. I went from San Antonio to Minnesota then Minnesota to Japan and then Japan to Korea. It was a long flight!! Devin met me at the airport and picked me up. We were so happy to be reunited and ready to start our lives together.
After a month of being in Korea, I was still adjusting to how things went military wise and Korea wise. It was difficult at first, but I realized I needed to get up and get out and explore! I was enjoying being a house wife. Cooking and cleaning. It was fun. Then after two months of being in Korea, my dad called and told me some very horrible news. My mom's memory was getting really bad and she wasn't remembering things she had been doing for years, such as paperwork for her job. She was an elementary school counselor for 30 years. Basic everyday paperwork she no longer remembered what it was for. My dad was getting very worried so he took her to a neurologist and a psychiatrist to get her evaluated. The psychiatrist thought she was depressed with me leaving and work being more hectic. Once she visited the neurologist, we found out even more.
I remember I was walking through the apartment and Devin and I were arguing about something and all of a sudden my phone went off. It was a text message from my dad telling me that the MRI my mom had done came back saying she had a tumor on the left side of her brain. It was 8cmx4cm. They needed to do surgery to remove it so they could run a biopsy to see if it was cancerous. I freaked out. You're kidding right? My mom has a brain tumor! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The only thing I knew to do was go back home and be there for her surgery.
Devin took emergency leave and we went back to Texas for her surgery. She was very scared and didn't want us to worry. She kept saying everything was going to be okay as tears welled up in her eyes. My sister, dad, Devin and I were by her side before they took her off to start the procedure. My mom was concerned that when she got out or surgery that she wasn't going to have any hair.We told not to worry that it didn't matter if she had hair. Well after about 5 or so hours my mom was out of surgery and doing really well. She was alert and knew who people were even though she was still groggy from the anesthesia. They were able to take out 99% of the tumor, but according to the doctors she would still need chemotherapy and radiation if it were malignant because there would still be some cancer still that the surgery was unable to get. We told her goodnight and we loved her and went home to get some rest.
The next morning mom was having pain where they did surgery. She said it was throbbing. They came in and gave her medicine along with food.She was talkative as usual. My aunt, her sister, had come to see her and was in the room with us. My aunt and my cousin and had made me very angry before my mom had surgery. I can't say why now, but maybe later I can. My aunt and I ended up getting into a fight and my aunt left. My mom was about to have an MRI done and she hated getting them done because of it being so tight. She was claustrophobic. We were trying to calm her down and with my aunt and I getting into an argument didn't help.
My mom went off and got her MRI done and for the next couple of days she did physical therapy to help her get back to her old self before surgery. She was able to walk up and down stairs and feed herself along with dressing herself. She was only in the hospital for 3 days after her surgery and was able to go home. We were so excited that she was doing so well. We had faith everything was going to be okay. A few weeks later, we found out the tumor was malignant. My mom was devastated. She didn't know what to say except for "I'm just going to take it a day at a time" and "God is great". I couldn't believe how well she was taking it. We visited 4 doctors in a matter of a few hours all telling us the same thing. It was cancer and it was an aggressive rare cancer. My mom just continued to say "God is great". Here the radiologist is telling my mom straight up, you may have only 13 months to live, and my mom just keeps repeating "God is great". I couldn't understand how she thought that when she was now diagnosed with cancer.
I stayed til the beginning of December to be there for her chemotherapy and radiation treatments. When she would go through her radiation treatments, she had to lay on this board and put a mask that was extremely tight over face that clipped to the board. The beams would shoot through only certain parts so she had to wear the mask in order to keep her head in one place. She was so nervous because of how claustrophobic she was. She kept a smile on though and told us she loved us every time before she headed in. My dad and I would sit in the waiting area for about 10 minutes. I read a magazine or a book while he made origami. The cancer treatment facility was very decked out by the time we left each day!
I was torn on whether or not I should stay longer. I wanted to be with Devin and I wanted to be with my mom. Things seemed to be getting better with my mom so I thought it would be okay if I went ahead and went back to Korea to be with Devin. He was only able to stay for a week because of how many leave days he had. I went back to Korea and Devin and I were able to spend our first Christmas together. He surprised me with a real christmas tree! I was so excited! I had brought all kinds of different ornaments with me to decorate it!
As the months passed by, things were getting better with my mom. Before I left, she had started to lose hair and we went and got her some wigs. In March, my family would be coming to Korea to visit us for Spring Break. They were able to stay for a week and see a few sights. We went and ate at our favorite restaurants around town along with stores. Shopping was definitely a hobby. The week went by fast and before we knew it they were going back to Texas. Fortunately, we would see them in a few more months, June to be exact, for our wedding.
So we headed back in June and got some last minute things ready for our wedding. July 1st we got married. It was so much fun, even though there was plenty of stress, having the wedding. My grandma had passed away a couple of months before the wedding so since all the family was around my dad thought it would be good to have a memorial service for my grandma. The next day, on Devin's birthday, we had the services. One at the gravesite and one at a restaurant where we could share stories. Our last few days being in San Antonio went by fast. We had a big bbq at Devin's parent's house with friends and family. It was nice.
We headed back to Korea and started back up at work. It was bittersweet. We needed to get back on a schedule but we wanted to stay at home longer! Well once we got back, my mom had another MRI done and found out there was another tumor growing on the right side of her brain. The doctors suggested that my mom try a study drug that would cut off the blood supply to the cells at the tumor so it wouldn't grow anymore. Well it ended up working. She was getting hair back and doing the study drug treatments. It seemed like things were going in the right direction. Then....
My dad was telling me that my mom wasn't doing well. He had picked her up from visiting her family in Dallas and noticed she was very disoriented. When I talked to my mom on the phone, she didn't know who I was. Over the next few weeks, my dad told me that things weren't looking good. My mom wasn't eating like she usually was and didn't really know what was going on. My mom was getting to the point where she needed my dad to do everything for her and he was unable to do that by himself. He decided it would be best to put her into a nursing home. I was scared. My mom is 56 years old and going into a nursing home. I had done clinicals in a nursing home and the majority of the people in there were in their 80's. I didn't know what to think. I flew out as soon as I could to be with her.
The first time I saw her I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was not the same person I had seen a few months ago. It was amazing how fast everything was happening. I didn't have Devin to hold me just my sister and Dad and mother-in-law. I was so upset with what was going on I didn't know what to do. I knew I needed to let my mom know I loved her and that she meant the world to me. I sat there and fed her dinner as tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't want her to see me crying and upset so I got up and walked out. It was so upsetting.
Hospice was coming and checking her vitals and the staff at the nursing home was checking on her too. The staff didn't do the greatest job so we were constantly having to get on them, but they just showed me how not to be when I get my nursing degree. Mom was doing pretty good. She was eating and pushing herself up off the bed, with some help of course, and she was even having an appetite. I was getting optimistic now. She had a lot of friends come by and see her. She was joking around and making 'whatever' signs with her hands. She was cracking me up.
That was her last good day.
After that she started having mini seizures and her blood pressure was dropping. Devin flew in immediately. She stopped eating and drinking. She lost the ability to swallow and wasn't able to really speak. When she was really starting to go down, Janna and I sat next to her at her bed and cried. We told her we loved her and that she was a great mom and did amazing things. She taught us great life lessons and we loved her for that. We were thankful to call her mom and be her daughters. We told her it was okay if she went. We would be okay. She nodded her head. She said, " It's not my fault". We said " Oh no mom we know that we love you".
Her headaches got more often and worse and she was having more seizures. She was on round the clock pain meds in order to make her feel comfortable. She was finally sleeping curled up with her mouth closed. We spent the night at the nursing home in her room, since she had a private one. When we woke up the next day, we had taken our things back to the house and decided to go out and get some air. Devin took Janna, her boyfriend Reis, and I to some pet stores and to grab some food. We headed back after awhile and walked into mom's room. I went up to her and said I loved her and kissed her on the forehead like I did everyday. I had to walk out of the room because her hand was so discolored now. I walked out and went down the hall. Devin came after me and gave me a hug. All of a sudden Janna came down the hallway and said , " Mom is gone". I ran back and went into her room and cried. I just sobbed at her bedside. I walked out of the room and walked with Devin outside. My dad went for a walk as did Janna. We lost our mom, wife, and best friend November 20, 2011.
I miss her like crazy. I wish she was here so I could hear her voice and just tell her about Pinterest and the cool recipes I found and how I tried them. She always loved it when I cooked and was so proud. I have been thinking lately about death and how weird it is. We often say "See you soon" as if we know what is going to happen. We don't know though. That's what scares me the most, not knowing for sure. My mom was scared of dying too. I think it was because one she didn't want to leave us and two because she didn't know what it was like and what happened afterwards. I know that one day we will die, but it's just hard to fathom that thought.
I have been through a lot of death at the age I am at. I am 21 and have only seen two people die, but more than a handful of people have died while I have been alive that I knew. I know there has to be something beyond because God does exist and is there for all of us. It's hard to know why he does certain things though sometimes. My mom strongly believed God had a plan for us and it involved good and bad things. I do too. We may not always like them but there is a reason for it. Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed I can feel my mom around me. It feels as if she is standing behind me watching me put my makeup on or watching me sleep and say my prayers. Sometimes I think I see quick blurs that flash by me and I think its her. Even though I cannot see her physically I know she is watching over Devin and I, my sister, my dad, and other family and friends. She always wanted the best for everyone and wanted to make sure that everyone was okay. Now she can know for sure people are okay and doing fine. It's very hard to not have her here in person, but she really is here and I just have to keep telling myself that.
I'm not gunna lie. I have my freak out moments and think OMG what is going to happen if... but then I bring myself back to reality and realize God has a plan. It may not be the plan I think is the best but God knows I am strong enough to deal with certain situations and wouldn't put me in a situation that I couldn't handle.
"God may not answer your prayers in the way you think He should, but if you look at the whole picture He answers them in a way that is best for you."
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