The Aftermath

I thought my writing, or I guess typing really, my thoughts out I would be able to get things off of my chest in general not just about my mom but just stuff.

I have my good days and I have my bad days. I will miss my mom like crazy and then feel as if she is just on vacation. I know I am probably going to have these emotions for awhile and it's normal. I just wish things could go back to how they were a few years ago when she was here and I was talking with her.

The other day I broke down to Devin and told him how I regretted arguing with mom during the wedding. I had high expectations on my bridal shower. My sister and my mom did a really good job, but with the stress I was under my emotions got the best of me. Sorry Janna for being so bitchy then. I love you. I told Devin I felt so bad for arguing with my mom. He said, " She knows you love her and that you didn't mean to." I just kept feeling like I needed to call her and tell her myself but I couldn't. That's what sucks the most.

I told Devin I just miss her voice and not being able to talk to her whenever I want. Honest to God, once she became more incoherent and was hard to talk to the phone calls we had were few and far between. It was frustrating talking with and having to repeat myself over and over. I kept telling myself she doesn't know it's okay just keeping talking to her. I know sometimes she knew she was repeating herself and tried to catch herself.

If she was here today, I would tell her.... I am sorry for all those petty arguments we had. I'm sorry I didn't call or text more often while I was in Korea. I miss you more than ever and I love your hugs! You have the best hugs and give the best advice.

I know she is here with me and follows me at my side everyday it's just hard to remember since I can't physically see her. Sometimes Devin and I will be talking and if it's something that reminds us of Mom we will say out loud " Sorry Mom" or " You know you're laughing Mom".

I don't know what I would do without Devin and my dad and sister. This has been a very difficult situation and process. The most hardest things to deal with hands down. Since my dad and sister are not within arms reach,Devin is always there to just grab me and give me a hug and let me cry it all out. I love him for that. He reassures me that she is here and is probably kicking me in the butt whenever I am clearly wrong in an argument! :) If she agreed with Devin, she would always say to me, " Luci, now now just listen to Devin" and pat me on the back. :)

She always knew how to calm me down when I had a paranoia moment. I remember whenever it would be the night before the first day of school and for some reason I would always have a meltdown and think something wrong was going to happen. Yes I am a bit of a control freak and need a little order in my life. :) She was amazing.

I'm glad I was able to be with her before she went. At first, I didn't think she knew I was there but after a few minutes she knew it was me. It broke my heart to see her in so much discomfort. My dad felt horrible for having to put her in a nursing home, but it really was the best option. We would go and feed her breakfast and give her hello kisses. You could tell as the week progressed that her head was hurting more and more which is why she started taking the pain meds and stopped eating.

Honestly, I am glad she is able to no longer be in pain. That's all any of us really wanted. We had prepared ourselves for the day she would leave us and she was a true fighter. When she was given not even a few days, she pushed through a few days. Like a good friend once told me, "it would be selfish of me to have wanted her to stay if that meant her being in pain". My mom would have done anything for Janna and I if she was in right state of mind but in pain she would have done anything and everything in order to be with us longer. But now it was our turn to take care of her and make sure she was okay.

To me, no matter how old the person is death is always difficult. You no longer have that person right by you to talk to and do things with. You just have to reassure yourself that they are in God's hands being an angel and watching over you and their loved ones making sure yall are okay. Don't get me wrong I am not perfect and always remembering this. I have my moments where I am like " Is she really here watching over me". I just wonder what she is doing. The what if's kill me and will if I keep dwelling on them. I just have to know in my heart she is really here walking among us still.

I do believe in ghosts and angels and an afterlife and what not. Call me crazy, but I believe that my mom is an angel and she watches over my sister, dad, and I from heaven above when we are all up at the same time. When some of us are awake, she then becomes a ghost you could say and walks among us. I truly believe this.

I watched the movie The Sixth Sense the other day with Devin. I had never seen it. Sorry for anyone who hasn't seen it, but whenever a ghost is in the room the room gets really really cold. Well in Korea, it's super cold outside so our apartment is really warm. At night and in the morning, I will get random chills and have to curl up under a blanket in order to get warm. I think my mom is here then. I have heard that pets can only see in black and white so they can see ghosts. Well often, Major and Peach, Major especially, will look off into the air and just stare. Nothing is there. No noise. No person. But I believe my mom is there and heck maybe even my Grandma and my mom with her Dad. I never got to meet him but I know he was probably a sweet sweet man.

I will often say, " I wish mom was here to see this or do this", but what I don't realize and have to keep telling myself is "She is here". I know she wouldn't want me to sit and be sad all day that she isn't here for me to physically touch, but it's hard. Plain and simple.

Love you mom.