I'm not gunna lie. Some days I wonder if my mom is really watching us. If she really is standing next to me or watching from above. It's hard to know for sure because I can't physically see her.
The only way I know is by believing.
To me, your faith and your beliefs are what make you as a person. Without those, you are nothing. You are just a person who stands for nothing.
One of the things my mom taught me is that "if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything." Oh true she was.
Sometimes,if I don't watch it, I can run my mouth off without thinking. I think we all have these moments honestly.
Anyways, I know my mom is here because I can feel her presence. I have memories in my heart and mind of her which keep her alive. Sometimes I can hear her leading me in the right direction. She really is here even if I can't see her with my own eyes.
I believe that my mom needing to go before my dad and sister and I because she needed to get heaven situated for us. Kind of like getting a home ready to bring a baby home. She is getting our home in heaven ready. God chose her to leave us on Earth first because she was the best "pick" you could say.
Don't get my wrong. My dad helped build our family too. He was a stable unit in keeping us a strong family. The roles as mom and dad play are just different. My mom was always the one who could calm us down when we got all riled up. If one of us got into an argument with the other, she would try and make us see the other's side. I hated when she did that. It drove me absolutely crazy. I think she knew that but she didn't care because she knew I couldn't just fly off the handle.
It's funny because even though I couldn't stand it I find myself doing it too. My mom would always say I was just like my dad. I do think I am more like my dad than my mom, but now that my mom isn't here it's more apparent to me.
I use to say to myself and to Devin how upset I was that my mom wasn't going to be able to witness all kinds of events in mine and Janna's lives as we get older. Now I retract that statement. She will be able to see what happens in our lives for instance, Janna graduating from high school, both of us graduating from college and both of us having kids. She may not be able to give us motherly advice in person, but she raised us, with my dad, to be strong wise women.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Love and Support = Good Medicine
A friend of mine posted on her blog saying that "Mom is the one you rely on when you are sick or having a bad day to make you feel better." Well what if Mom isn't there?
I believe, actually I KNOW, even though my Mom isn't physically here she is still able to comfort me in my times of need. I also know that before she left Earth and went to Heaven, she made sure there were people here that would be able to comfort and take of Janna, my dad, and I. She was always the one who knew exactly what to say to keep everyone calm. She was definitely the peacekeeper!
I love her for that. I have realized though, the hard way, that Devin, my Dad, Janna, Devin's family, and friends, whom my mom met and was able to get to know on a personal level, are the people my mom knew could handle my crazy self. Whenever I start getting those "What if" moments in my mind and let them control my thinking to where I turn into a worry wart, I have my Dad to bring back to reality to say , " Luci come on! It's going to be okay." And then he gives me the research and all of that fancy shmancy stuff. :) When I start flying off the handle and need to be brought back to reality, I have Devin to say " Hello, Earth to Luci!" Well he doesn't say those exact words but close enough!
Anyways, I think you see my point. My mom knew she couldn't leave until she was fully assured that there people here who could handle every aspect of my craziness! :) Yes I just pointed out all of the flaw or at least the majority of them but oh well! You love me for them!
Along with my sister, Dad and Devin another person who was amazing and continues to be throughout this whole grieving process was my mother in law. She never once judged me, my dad, or my sister. We all dealt with mom's passing and pre-passing, you could say, a little differently. That's just us being human. She was a very strong support system for us all. I remember when I had a moment at the nursing home. I had to step outside and she followed me out and I just sobbed. Devin wasn't here yet. He was still in Korea and I didn't know how to deal. I just kept repeating out loud " I need Devin." My mother in law told me " He will be here soon". At the time Devin wasn't scheduled to come out just yet, but its like God told her don't worry he will be there before things get really bad.
I told Devin months leading up to the worst day that I couldn't handle seeing my mom in such a state. I knew myself and I couldn't handle that. He would agree and say okay whatever you want. He told me one day though that I should go and be with her because I don't want to have any regrets. He was so right.
Even though it was very difficult for me to see my mom gradually decline in such a short period of time I am very glad and blessed that I was able to do so. I can say I have no regrets.
I did have doubt along the way. I'm not gunna lie, but I think what helped me the most was this poem/prayer that my mother in law told me during my 'moment'. It's more than words of encouragement. It's more than inspirational. I honestly cannot find the correct words for it, but the only thing that matters is that it put me back on the right path when I had doubt and felt so very vulnerable and weak. I needed my rock, Devin, and I was so lost. Yes my dad and sister and friends were there for me, but the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with just has a special bond with that is undescribable.
To end my entry for the week, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to my sister, dad, mother in law, Devin, Devin's family, and my friends. Here is the prayer my mother in law said to me. I hope it can help you one day too.
See you next week!
I believe, actually I KNOW, even though my Mom isn't physically here she is still able to comfort me in my times of need. I also know that before she left Earth and went to Heaven, she made sure there were people here that would be able to comfort and take of Janna, my dad, and I. She was always the one who knew exactly what to say to keep everyone calm. She was definitely the peacekeeper!
I love her for that. I have realized though, the hard way, that Devin, my Dad, Janna, Devin's family, and friends, whom my mom met and was able to get to know on a personal level, are the people my mom knew could handle my crazy self. Whenever I start getting those "What if" moments in my mind and let them control my thinking to where I turn into a worry wart, I have my Dad to bring back to reality to say , " Luci come on! It's going to be okay." And then he gives me the research and all of that fancy shmancy stuff. :) When I start flying off the handle and need to be brought back to reality, I have Devin to say " Hello, Earth to Luci!" Well he doesn't say those exact words but close enough!
Anyways, I think you see my point. My mom knew she couldn't leave until she was fully assured that there people here who could handle every aspect of my craziness! :) Yes I just pointed out all of the flaw or at least the majority of them but oh well! You love me for them!
Along with my sister, Dad and Devin another person who was amazing and continues to be throughout this whole grieving process was my mother in law. She never once judged me, my dad, or my sister. We all dealt with mom's passing and pre-passing, you could say, a little differently. That's just us being human. She was a very strong support system for us all. I remember when I had a moment at the nursing home. I had to step outside and she followed me out and I just sobbed. Devin wasn't here yet. He was still in Korea and I didn't know how to deal. I just kept repeating out loud " I need Devin." My mother in law told me " He will be here soon". At the time Devin wasn't scheduled to come out just yet, but its like God told her don't worry he will be there before things get really bad.
I told Devin months leading up to the worst day that I couldn't handle seeing my mom in such a state. I knew myself and I couldn't handle that. He would agree and say okay whatever you want. He told me one day though that I should go and be with her because I don't want to have any regrets. He was so right.
Even though it was very difficult for me to see my mom gradually decline in such a short period of time I am very glad and blessed that I was able to do so. I can say I have no regrets.
I did have doubt along the way. I'm not gunna lie, but I think what helped me the most was this poem/prayer that my mother in law told me during my 'moment'. It's more than words of encouragement. It's more than inspirational. I honestly cannot find the correct words for it, but the only thing that matters is that it put me back on the right path when I had doubt and felt so very vulnerable and weak. I needed my rock, Devin, and I was so lost. Yes my dad and sister and friends were there for me, but the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with just has a special bond with that is undescribable.
To end my entry for the week, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to my sister, dad, mother in law, Devin, Devin's family, and my friends. Here is the prayer my mother in law said to me. I hope it can help you one day too.
See you next week!
FOOTPRINTS
By Margaret Fishback Powers
One night a man had a dream. He
dreamed he was walking along the beach
with the Lord. Across the sky
flashed scenes from his life. For each
scene, he noticed two sets of footprints
in the sand; one belonging to him, and
the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed
before him, he looked back at the
many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He
also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it. “Lord
you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times of my life, there is
only one set of footprints. I don’t
understand why, when I needed you
most, you would leave me.”
The Lord replied, “My precious,
precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of
trial and suffering, when you saw only
one set of footprints, it was then that I
carried you.”
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