At least I'm "normal"

         On the schedule for class today was end of life care. Makes sense. I am in nursing school to become a nurse. Part of nursing is death. Death is an inevitable part of life. Got it. Next....

         Unfortunately, it's not that easy. As a nurse, you have to be able to advocate for the patient if they may not have family and they have certain wishes or you advocate for the family so they can take their time saying goodbye. Also, as a nurse, you have to find the balance between patient-nurse relationship and friendship. Depending on what unit you work in and how long the patient may be in your care is greatly dependent on how involved you become and what kind of relationship you build. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared for the unknown mainly.

        How will I know how close I may get with a patient? Will I end up in an oncology unit? What about an ICU unit? Will I see a situation like mine with my mom? If so, how will I handle that?

      
      I called Devin on one of the breaks and he didn't answer due to be at work. I called Jessica next. She reminded me that it is going to be tough that's just part of life, but it's very rewarding being able to help and be there for the families and the patients. I had to remind myself for a second why I am going into nursing.

      I LOVE helping people. I believe that is why I am here on Earth. I am able to see other's perspective whether I agree or disagree with it. I am able to leave underlying feels aside in order to provide quality care. I can fulfill my dream and become a nurse.

      As my teacher went on reading each powerpoint, I recited over and over in my head, " You can do this." If it wasn't for that mantra given to me by Jessica and Jeanette sending me funny pictures during class, and Devin sending me "I love you" texts who knows if I would have been able to stay in my seat. Numerous times certain points were hitting too close to home. I needed to get up, walk outside, breath, and let it out.

       I kept telling myself, " You are at school. You can handle this. What are you going to do when something happens at work or even in a clinical setting? You can't just walk out. You're patient's and maybe even their families will need you."

       So I sat in my desk in a room full of 130 students. I sat there quiet. Deep breaths. Mantra repeating over in my head. I began to engage again. "What do I need to know for test purposes?" I kept saying in my head. That is number 1 right now.

      Slide by slide all I can think about as I listen is yep that is true. Mom was like that. No she didn't do that, but yea she was like that.

       Now the different types of grief. Chronic, delayed, masked, exaggerated. Hmmm will I fall into one of those categories? Hope not.

        Chronic- unable to perform activities of daily living. anti-social.
        Delayed- says 'I'm fine' for months and then all of a sudden grief hits
        Exaggerated- not proportional to loss. Neighbor dies and you never talked with them yet you are sobbing uncontrollably.
        Masked- not showing grief

        "Normal"- able to live with the loss, grieving always, but able to go to work, go to school, actively live

         Ok I am normal. That's a plus. For a second, I thought I was going to fall into a "abnormal" category since I am about to bust into tears right here in the classroom. Whew.

          Death is a part of life. Death is handled by everyone differently. Our lives end differently. We don't all die in car accidents or by cancer. That's the beauty of it. Ironic right?

          In a way, I am fortunate to have experienced a loss close to my heart. I am able to see death and life in a way other's may not. I will be able to connect with patient's and their families in a way that other nurse's may not. Yes, it hurts, but I have turned a negative into a positive. God took my mom from Earth for a reason. Do I know that reason? No. Will I ever? Probably not. Will I be able to cope? Yes.

          A classmate asked the teachers, "What happens if you do develop a relationship with the patient and their family and you cry when the patient dies is it okay?" The teachers respond, "Yes." At least I know I am normal. I have feelings and will have empathy. It may be seen as a burden to some, but in the nursing field it is greatly welcomed. In order to be a great nurse, you need to be compassionate. I'm not saying be a blubbering fool when any patient dies, but don't be a closed off person either. Finding that happy medium will take time to develop, but it's natural.

         Remember friends let go and let God. He is showing us each and every day why we are here on Earth and why we go through situations in our lives. So always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.