Missing you

I just got home from Jessica's house a little bit ago and I decide I want to update my profile picture on facebook. As I'm scrolling through the pictures, I am taken back to when each picture was taken. I'm trying to remember the conversations I had with who ever is in the picture, the reason why the picture was taken, what milestone may have been happening, what emotions were felt, etc.

I find this picture of my mom which has a comment she left. The caption I wrote when I posted the photo was, " this is my mama, i love this lady." She commented, " Always and forever! I love you and always and forever. I am honored to be 'mom'".

I can hear her voice saying it. It's comforting and sad. Kinda weird. How can something be comforting and sad?

Sometimes I forget what her voice sounds like. I have my wedding video where I can hear her voice because she gave an interview saying how proud and happy she was of Devin and I. I love that I have that.

No one knows this, but I have kept the text messages we had up until the last time I was able to use my iphone before I arrived in Korea in July 2011. On days I really miss her, I look back at the text messages and read what she wrote.

I'm beyond happy to know that she truly loved me and would move mountains for Janna and I. One day, we will meet again. Until then, continue to be the best guardian angel a daughter could ask for Mama.

God gives you opportunities

           This morning I decided to start my Sunday off at the gym. I usually like to workout in the afternoon, but I felt really energized when I woke up so I figured why not! I started out with my arm workout which consisted of using the different weight machines. I listen to my ipod during weight time and then when it's time for cardio I watch the tv.

           Since I'm not usually there on Sunday, I didn't know what was on at 12pm so I decided I'd just watch the HGTV channel cause seriously what isn't good on there? :) I find the treadmill that is perfectly centered in front of that tv and look down to see a sign that says OUT OF ORDER. I was bummed, but I just moved over to the right ( since the left was taken). I start the treadmill up and plug my headphones in. I look up and I am now in front of the TBS channel which had a movie on. ( Score!) I thought, " eh this won't be bad to watch after all," and realized it was Evan Almighty. It might be cheesy and not that good to some, but I really like that movie.

             As I am at an incline of 15 and a speed of 3mph, feeling the burn might I add, I have been on the machine for 15 minutes now. My mind is tricking me and telling me you have done enough just finish, but I know I can do more. The movie returns and grabs my attention. Evan's family has decided that he is a crazy man and can no longer take the chaos so they leave him to go to his mother in law's house. In the next scene, the boys and their mother are sitting in this restaurant watching the latest about their Dad/Husband building this ark while listening to people bash him verbally. The boys leave the table while the mother debates what to do next. God aka Morgan Freeman ( lol) comes up to her and strikes up a conversation. She reveals that Evan aka NYC Noah is her husband.  God says he loves that story. She asks for advice and he tells her powerful information. He says, "When you pray to God for patience, does he give you patience or does he give you an opportunity to be patient? When you pray to God for courage, does he give you courage or does he give you an opportunity to be courageous? When you pray to God to bring your family closer, does he fill you up with a warm fuzzy feeling or does he give you an opportunity to bring your family closer?" The answer ladies and gents..... He gives you the opportunity.

           I have seen this movie numerous times and I have never caught that part. God spoke to me. He may not have spoken to me to where I could hear him, but God shows us he is there for us in ways we can't explain sometimes. I know I often pray to him for things such as focus, determination, less stress, etc. As I heard the scene in the movie it made me think for a second. It took me back to the times I prayed for focus before a test or patience to not yell at someone who erked me the day before. I realized God didn't give me those things he gave me the opportunity to be focused, patient, etc.

           Friends and family take a second to think back to a time you prayed for "things" and try to think if he truly gave you those things or gave you an opportunity. Remember to continue to pray for eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.

Happy Sunday Everyone!

4th of July weekend, Infection City, and 15 pounds down!

              I'm going to try and make this short and sweet, but I tend to blab on and on. LOL Anyways, so Devin got SUPER lucky and had the entire 4th of July weekend off! ( Pays off not asking off hehe) He has been wanting to see this museum in Alabama for a little bit now and it was the perfect opportunity to break in the motorcycle Monaco style! It was a LLOOONNGGG ride, but it was loads of fun. Once we got out of Florida the scenery was beautiful, especially in Alabama. We loved Birmingham so much we decided that if for some reason we get tired of Texas ( like that's even possible) then our next option would be to move to Birmingham. I mean seriously the scenery on the highway is spectacular! You don't see any buildings because the trees are so tall! They have to 1,000 feet billboards just so people can see what's coming up at the exits. Also, they have great BBQ!

               We got to Alabama Friday night, enjoyed some Whataburger on the way to the hotel and were ready for Saturday! We had wanted to relax in the pool but this La Quinta didn't have a pool. ( Weird) So Saturday morning we woke up at the butt crack of dawn because Devin said we needed to go by the largest Harley in Alabama before heading off to the museum ( which he thought was literally going to take us from open to close to see everything). I really enjoyed the Harley location because I got to shop! :) They had so much stuff it was amazing! Pretty much our house decor is going to be western/harley theme. Don't worry it will still be lovely. It took us 2 hours or 2 1/2 hours to get through everything in the museum and then we headed off to Bass Pro. Again, the scenery on the way up to the Bass Pro was phenomenal with all the trees and steep uphill windy roads. We had lunch there and of course looked around then headed back to the hotel for a nap. We had  dinner at a highly recommended BBQ place ( recommended by Trip Advisor) called Dreamland. OMG it was delicious! After, we got to see the sunset overlooking Birmingham and rode back to the hotel. All in all it was a great weekend.

                 Sunday we start our trek back to Florida. Unfortunately for me, I woke up with a lovely UTI and my monthly visitor. Great. As much as I wanted to deny it ( the UTI that is) , throughout the day it just got worse. When we got to GA, I finally decided to take some over the counter stuff, but it didn't seem to help. Once we got a little further, Devin found a med clinic we could go to. ( Thank God for health insurance!) In 30 minutes, I was in and out and was able to get my antibiotic. I was in so much pain and with stopping every 20 miles to pee it felt like we were never going to get back to Florida! Devin suggested that I stay in Valdosta ( which was like 200 miles from Orlando) and take a bus back Monday since it seemed like I wasn't going to be able to make back on the bike. I refused and told him, " I am going to suck it up and deal with it. Let's go!" We did just that. When we stopped the next time, Devin texted Brodie to see if he could come pick me up when he got off work so I wouldn't have to suffer on the back anymore. ( Thank God for Devin!) I started to feel better, but I was so glad to see Brodie in Ocala, Fl to rescue me and my arse.

                 The next day I woke up feeling very funny. I don't exactly know how to describe it except for that it was just weird. As the day went by I realized I was having symptoms of a yeast infection ( which is very common with taking antibiotics). Great. So now I had to take something to get rid of that. Finally, after a week of nonsense, I felt so much better. I didn't want to scream it out loud and jinx anything but I was so ecstatic. Ever since I was little, I have been prone to getting UTI. They never quite knew what caused it, but when we were in WA my doctor told me that some women are just more prone to them for no explained reason. I debated about even blogging about this incident because I get embarrassed about it and think people will think I am "dirty", but honestly that is not it. I haven't had one in 2 years and then before that it had been even longer so I don't know it's just something that happens. In school, I learned that women are more prone than men to get them because their urethra's are shorter so they aren't able to fully rid of urine. God had a reason for making us like that unannounced to us.

                   So due to not feeling well for a week (because with the meds I got really nauseous so I wasn't hungry for much) I didn't go to the gym for a week. When I finally felt good enough to go back, I just did arm weights and was pooped. The next day I went and did some cardio. I've been gradually getting back into my normal routine, but man when you get sick you literally get the life knocked out of you! Now that I am 2 weeks healthy I am back to my normal routine somewhat. I measured myself Sunday to see how many inches and how much weight I have lost in a month. Wellll, I lost 3 pounds from June 10-July 20 ( yea I missed July 10 since I was sick), lost an inch off my waist and 1/4 inch off my butt and thighs. It's progress, but I happy with it.  Overall, I have lost 15 pounds since March. Yea that might seem like a long time, but I am doing it my way. I'm not doing some crazy diet or crazy exercises. I am losing the weight how I know best and being realistic about it. I know that if I go and do some crazy paleo diet or atkins diet or jenny craig I won't last because my meals are being decided for me. I honestly don't have the money to constantly buy fresh veggies, but I am taking the steps one at a time to increase my veggie and fruit intake. I'm making better choices when we eat out, but occasionally I will enjoy pizza or a burger. I am human and I am not perfect.

                 This is the longest I have kept with a workout and whatnot ever. I am proud of myself and I am finally noticing the progress too. I'd like to lose 10 more pounds, but that will come as I keep this up. I was hard on myself at the beginning of summer, but I am seeing now there is no reason for that. God made us all different for a reason. You have to love yourself to be happy. If you are constantly down on yourself you will stress out and end up gaining weight without realizing it. So I remember to always pray for eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.

            

Joyeux anniversaire Devin ( Happy Birthday Devin)

       Today is my husband Devin's 26th birthday.  He started his day off like every day during the week with school and then went off to work. He insisted on not having a cake or even a cupcake to celebrate his birthday.

       The other day, He requested a steak grilled by me, but that wasn't going to happen seeing as how I don't even know the first thing about grilling. ( Hence, why he is the griller in this relationship.) I told him if he really wanted a steak I would get it to go ( because he didn't want to go out to eat after work either) from Longhorn Steak House, but all of a sudden a KFC commercial came on and BAM! Fried Chicken was the birthday wish. He wanted me to get it from Church's but let's just say where this Church's is located I'd rather not risk my life. ( Yes, I am be exaggerating a bit, but seriously there are people hanging around there that look they are about to make drug deals so I will pass). When he got home from school, I took the truck and went by redbox and KFC. Once I arrived back home, I made Devin a plate and TA- DA the birthday wish was granted! I still tried to convince him to let me get him some type of sweet, but he still was adamant about not wanting it. I dropped him off work and then headed to the gym.

       Even though this day has been pretty uneventful I am confident it is quite perfect to Devin. As long as I have known him, he has not been the type for "fancy" outings to celebrate his birthday or make "big deals" out of his birthday. He is perfectly fine with sitting at home watching a movie eating ice cream or something. I on the other hand would like to celebrate my birthday WEEK, but since my birthday is so close to Christmas and our anniversary I spare him and his pocketbook. :)

       Yesterday made me realize even more why I love Devin so much and decided to be his wife. I decided I would take the motorcycle riding course to get my endorsement since I have been saying I wanted to for awhile now. I finally struck up enough courage to do it and with it being summer and me having nothing to do I figured why not! Well, it's harder than it looks. I lasted up until the point you were needed to weave through cones. Yea that just wasn't happening. I was nervous and tensed my arms up and dropped the bike 3 times. I just couldn't face the fear yet. I have also NEVER ridden a motorcycle or dirtbike just me, myself, and I so I felt VERY accomplished that I was able to even make it from one cone to another and turn with my feet off the ground. I was basking in the essence of accomplishment too long I guess and ended up freaking myself twice and grabbed the front brake to hard ( first 2 drops) and then the whole tensing of the arms ( making it the lucky 3rd time) ordeal.

       I was shaken a bit, but mostly frustrated I wasn't going to be able to mark it off the list for the summer. I was disappointed and embarrassed too. I felt like Devin had spent money on me taking the class and I wasn't even going to be able to finish. I left the class and cried all the way home. ( Yes, I know crying come on! but seriously I did.) I think my pride was hurt because I was the only one who dropped the bike, but in my defense I am 5' 1'' people and this bike was 500cc Harley cruiser that I just wasn't ready to handle and couldn't maneuver too well with my height just yet. ( Yea yea laugh it up some of you. I'm sticking my tongue out at you while you do!) I was so upset. I called my mother in law on the way home since Devin was in school and she assured me that I just needed more practice.

        When Devin got home, I told him the whole story beginning to end while crying. He consoled me and said over and over, " Don't cry. The class is meant to help you. The guards are there because they fall all the time. You should see the bikes at school! They are so messed up from people dropping them all the time." I knew he was right, but I didn't want to hear it. He told me we will get me a dirt bike so I can practice on my own and then when I am ready again I can take the endorsement class. I agreed. He hugged me and then tried to make me laugh. Gotta love him.

       I know I chose the right man to marry just by those actions ( along with many more he does on a daily basis) because someone could have easily screamed and yelled and told me to suck it up and go again or not have been as understanding. Devin was. Devin has a big heart and doesn't judge people for what they have or have not done. I love that about him. He helps people as much as he can whenever he can. He is a huge animal lover ( hence why we have two dogs and a bird and have had a cat and 2 snakes and 2 other birds). He loves to do fun things like go on motorcycle rides. He loves to go to the movies  and try new foods. He is a big momma's boy and loves his family and mine. I am honored to be his wife and so glad God put us in each other's paths.

                Remember to always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad and a soul that never loses faith in God. 

Happy 26th Birthday Devin!

      

              

To My Dearest Husband

               I am dedicating this post to my husband. He is the first person I turn to for encouragement, laughter, and most of all love. I couldn't imagine the past 8 years without him.

               Since March, I have fully committed to going to the gym at least 3 times a week. I am still working on eating better but I have already seen results. ( Lost 14 pounds officially today!) This summer has been the hardest in my journey of weight loss because Devin is not changing his eating habits so I tend to WANT the same yummy foods he orders.

               I have given in at times and controlled myself at others. The past month my mind has played games with me and it literally ate me alive. Devin, along with some friends, helped me overcome my mental setback.

             Ok, so I told myself awhile ago that I could not wear shortie shorts anymore nor would I be able to wear a bikini. ( I pretty much convinced myself it's a part of aging so I needed to just get over it.) When Devin and I went to Sanibel, FL last weekend he convinced me to try on a bikini. I did and I looked better than I thought I was going to.

            A few weeks ago we went to the mall and I tried on shorts, but hesitated on buying them. We went back yesterday and the size I wanted fit. I was ecstatic. I wore them today and felt very good and proud.

Sooooo Devin I thank you for reminding me that I am still beautiful no matter what the scale says. Thank you for reminding me I can wear certain clothing items and feel good about my accomplishments even if I don't have a six pack. Most of all, thank you for loving me through all of my faults, good and bad, and not rolling your eyes when I have a "girl" moment and obsess over my body and weight. You are truly the best husband any girl could ask for.

Blunt

        It's been awhile since I've had a "vulnerable" post. I don't think I need to be every time I write a new post, but when I am in that frame of mind sometimes I feel it helps to blog.. Call me crazy. :)


   So I have started this new book. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I was reading The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks, but TFIOS kept catching my attention. Usually, I only get one book at a time because ( confession) I am a slow reader. I generally have a lot going on and in my free time I don't read I catch up on my DVR shows or hang out with Devin or friends.

    Back to TFIOS.

There is a movie coming out in June and based on the trailer it intrigued me even more. Obviously, the girl is sick and she meets a boy and they fall in love. Yada Yada Yada. I knew it was probably going to be a tear jerker, but I honestly didn't mind.

Since my mom has passed, I don't like watching the tear jerkers. Ask Devin. When we watch a movie that we didn't expect to have a sad ending, I cry ( at the moment in the movie when appropriate) and say out loud, "Geeze! Who picked this?!" Most of the time I did, but it's pretty even.

I am sitting on the futon like a typical bookworm with my nose in the book and disregarding everything going on around me. I get to this one chapter and I am stunned.

* Spoiler Alert*

Chapter 1 pg. 12/13 has me speechless.

Hazel meets Augustus for the first time while attending her support group. Augustus states that he is afraid of oblivion. Hazel being the kind of blunt and straight forward person she is says, "There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you , I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does."

Damn.

Seriously, damn. I hate talking about death and what may happen after you die. I mean yea your body is soul less and you are no longer on Earth. You are with our savior Jesus Christ. This may sound materialistic ( which it is), but I think about the people, places, things I will no longer be able to have or do. I won't be able to go see movies or spoon on the couch with Devin or go eat at my favorite restaurant. So when we die how do we cope with those things? I believe we cope with knowing we are in Heaven and rejoicing uniting being with Jesus.

My mind wanders and I start to panic when I think about all the what ifs.

I begin to wonder what my mom is experiencing. She is with Jesus and her dad and any other loved ones lost ( I am very certain), but it freaks me out.

Reading what Hazel thinks about death is so blunt. I never though of it that way, but it's true. There will come a day when no one will remember the amazing things that historical people did and so on. Crazy, weird, straightforward.

The unknown has always and will always drive me insane. I just have to remember to live in the moment and not worry about all the WHAT IFs. So I always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.

Ladie's Garage Night

Last night was ladie's garage night at the Harley Devin works at. It was so much fun! They had wine and appetizers and a fun interactive station activity. I got to "ride" a motorcycle! It was so much fun! I didn't realize how easy it was going to be to shift but it was. I've been telling Devin I want a dirt bike to play on and if I like it then I'll step up to the motorcycle.

He rolled his eyes and said, ' Yea you say that, but you change your mind.'

Honestly people, I am considering it more now. It really was fun. Granted I sat on the bike in this contraption that didn't allow me to go anywhere but it was fun! The lady was super nice! I'm just concerned on looking like an idiot by dropping the bike, but Devin assures me not to worry about that!

I tried to upload the picture, but I couldn't figure out how to get from Instagram on to here so I will play with it some more.

Anyways, ladies who have taken the course to get your motorcycle license how was it? Painful? Enjoyable? Embarrassing?

There was a station where they taught you how to lift your bike by using a good technique. Well I couldn't get the darn thing up! The guy would tell me, " Get lower, no okay come up just a little, ok now go!" I think I get it and then it just stays there. He's like, "Are you doing it?" I'm like, "No!" Then when I finally get it I slip ( dang cute tony lamas) and stand up and say to heck with it ( in my mind). The guy is trying to be nice and not laugh, but here I am sweating due to the humidity in there and due to getting a leg workout in. I finally got it ( with some help) , but I was super embarrassed.

Could the class be even more embarrassing? Probably.

I told Devin ask me next week if I want to take the class again and if my answer is still yes let's do it!

Summer in Florida Take 2!

      It's official I am back in Florida with the hubbs! Fortunately and unfortunately, this will be the last summer in florida ( at least long term stays).  We have friends who will be living in Cocoa starting late august so we may come back to visit them later in life, but the next time we come to Orlando hopefully it will be with little Monaco's going to Disney world. :)

      Anyways, on another high note I am not working this summer. I think this is the first summer in a few years or so. It feels really weird, but I have more time to workout, read, and watch movies that I have missed out on seeing since school consumed every bit of time I had. I am very fortunate that Devin is okay with this situation because Lord knows after each semester of nursing school we all need some down time to clear our minds and prepare for the next semester.

       My first week in Florida I have been cooking and cleaning and relaxing. I decided to try my hand out on some recipes I found on Pinterest. Luckily, I have succeeded. I made a greek chicken recipe that was very easy and very delicious. Last night, I tried a coconut shrimp recipe which was also very tasty, I have made coconut shrimp before but I didn't have that recipe with me so I found a new one.

       I've also lost 12 pounds since the middle of March. This semester I tried to go to the gym consistently, but it was always hard to find the motivation to continue. It's always easier to stop doing something and get back to old habits so I wanted to avoid that. Before spring break, I really tried to kick it into high gear with watching what I ate more and going to the gym at least 3 times a week. School started picking up and 3 times a week turned into 0 times and fast food started being consumed due to the convenience factor.

       When I came back from spring break, I put my foot down. I was going to be 130 by August.  I started drinking more water and no longer ate fast food. If I was in a bind and I ended up eating out I decided to make better choices and not choose the fried chicken or the hamburger. I would get the grilled chicken and fruit instead of fries. I remember I ate at IHOP with my mother in law for breakfast I chose whole wheat pancakes with turkey bacon and fruit. I started going to the gym and making more of an effort to stick with 3 times a week. My friend Jeanette ( we met at school) and I would go to the gym after class some days during the week. After the third week of doing this routine, I could tell I felt better. I was getting on the scale and seeing a number I was liking more.

      Finals week was hell. I wasn't eating very well. I would miss a meal each day and my water consumption was decreased while my caffeine consumption sky rocketed.  I had to pack right after finals for Florida since I was leaving two days later. I guess all of the stress "helped" me lose 3 more pounds.

     This week has been the toughest yet. I forgot my gym tag in Texas so I am waiting on my mother in law to send it. I have a travel pass for the gym, but I am leary to use it since I do not have my gym tag with me. Also, I have to work around Devin's work schedule since I flew here. I have been doing workouts at home thanks to the Brazilian Butt Lift DVDs.  I have also been eating decently. I may not be swaying completely to one way such cutting out sugar altogether or meat, but I am doing this my own way in a way that works for me. I have lost another pound and been able to maintain it. I still have those favorite foods every so often, but the main thing to remember is that you can still have the things you love that aren't entirely good for as long as you have them in moderation.

So this summer I am making a commitment to myself to continue on this journey to losing weight so I can continue to feel good :)

My Jesus is Calling calendar had this message for me yesterday:

" Do not long for the absence of  problems in your life. That is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. You have an eternity of problem free living reserved for you in heaven. Rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth. Begin each day anticipating problems, asking Me to equip you for whatever difficulties you will encounter. The best equipping is My living presence, my hand that never lets go of yours. Discuss everything with Me. Take a lighthearted view of trouble seeing it as challenge that you and I together can handle. Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world."


Friends and family take time for yourself. God is there to help you overcome the problems you may face. Just remember to always pray for eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.

At least I'm "normal"

         On the schedule for class today was end of life care. Makes sense. I am in nursing school to become a nurse. Part of nursing is death. Death is an inevitable part of life. Got it. Next....

         Unfortunately, it's not that easy. As a nurse, you have to be able to advocate for the patient if they may not have family and they have certain wishes or you advocate for the family so they can take their time saying goodbye. Also, as a nurse, you have to find the balance between patient-nurse relationship and friendship. Depending on what unit you work in and how long the patient may be in your care is greatly dependent on how involved you become and what kind of relationship you build. Honestly, I'm scared. Scared for the unknown mainly.

        How will I know how close I may get with a patient? Will I end up in an oncology unit? What about an ICU unit? Will I see a situation like mine with my mom? If so, how will I handle that?

      
      I called Devin on one of the breaks and he didn't answer due to be at work. I called Jessica next. She reminded me that it is going to be tough that's just part of life, but it's very rewarding being able to help and be there for the families and the patients. I had to remind myself for a second why I am going into nursing.

      I LOVE helping people. I believe that is why I am here on Earth. I am able to see other's perspective whether I agree or disagree with it. I am able to leave underlying feels aside in order to provide quality care. I can fulfill my dream and become a nurse.

      As my teacher went on reading each powerpoint, I recited over and over in my head, " You can do this." If it wasn't for that mantra given to me by Jessica and Jeanette sending me funny pictures during class, and Devin sending me "I love you" texts who knows if I would have been able to stay in my seat. Numerous times certain points were hitting too close to home. I needed to get up, walk outside, breath, and let it out.

       I kept telling myself, " You are at school. You can handle this. What are you going to do when something happens at work or even in a clinical setting? You can't just walk out. You're patient's and maybe even their families will need you."

       So I sat in my desk in a room full of 130 students. I sat there quiet. Deep breaths. Mantra repeating over in my head. I began to engage again. "What do I need to know for test purposes?" I kept saying in my head. That is number 1 right now.

      Slide by slide all I can think about as I listen is yep that is true. Mom was like that. No she didn't do that, but yea she was like that.

       Now the different types of grief. Chronic, delayed, masked, exaggerated. Hmmm will I fall into one of those categories? Hope not.

        Chronic- unable to perform activities of daily living. anti-social.
        Delayed- says 'I'm fine' for months and then all of a sudden grief hits
        Exaggerated- not proportional to loss. Neighbor dies and you never talked with them yet you are sobbing uncontrollably.
        Masked- not showing grief

        "Normal"- able to live with the loss, grieving always, but able to go to work, go to school, actively live

         Ok I am normal. That's a plus. For a second, I thought I was going to fall into a "abnormal" category since I am about to bust into tears right here in the classroom. Whew.

          Death is a part of life. Death is handled by everyone differently. Our lives end differently. We don't all die in car accidents or by cancer. That's the beauty of it. Ironic right?

          In a way, I am fortunate to have experienced a loss close to my heart. I am able to see death and life in a way other's may not. I will be able to connect with patient's and their families in a way that other nurse's may not. Yes, it hurts, but I have turned a negative into a positive. God took my mom from Earth for a reason. Do I know that reason? No. Will I ever? Probably not. Will I be able to cope? Yes.

          A classmate asked the teachers, "What happens if you do develop a relationship with the patient and their family and you cry when the patient dies is it okay?" The teachers respond, "Yes." At least I know I am normal. I have feelings and will have empathy. It may be seen as a burden to some, but in the nursing field it is greatly welcomed. In order to be a great nurse, you need to be compassionate. I'm not saying be a blubbering fool when any patient dies, but don't be a closed off person either. Finding that happy medium will take time to develop, but it's natural.

         Remember friends let go and let God. He is showing us each and every day why we are here on Earth and why we go through situations in our lives. So always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God. 



     

Spring break aftermath (Dun dun dun!)

      Last week was spring break and let me tell ya it went by WAY TOO FAST. I feel like I was just sitting on the couch watching tv without a care in the world in the same town as my husband and then BAM I'm back at my dad's house studying for an exam. Boo.

      Monday started with a lovely test at 8am followed by lab time. Tuesday consisted of a body pump class and studying. Wednesday was my second to last day of clinical with studying. Thursday was taking the second test scheduled for after spring break and today rounded off with lab, a tutoring session, a workout, and dinner with my dad and a good family friend we hadn't seen in awhile.

      While this week ( the dreaded week after spring break) was productive and tiring, I greatly missed Devin. I know he always misses me too, but this time I could tell just how much he really did. We generally talk every morning and every night then depending on our schedules we may just briefly speak throughout the day. We rarely have nothing to talk about, but we are mainly calling to check on the other and remind each other how much we love each other. Cheesy you may say, but hey we have been together for 8 years so we are doing something right :)

       Well Devin has been calling at times when he usually wouldn't call. He is also calling more often just to simply say I love you. He has always done stuff like this, but lately life has been busy. If he reads this and says, " hey I did those things the same amount as I do now," well dude I guess I'm noticing it more now I don't know. Anyways, at times I need to take a step back and realize how lucky I am to be married to Devin and have the life I am living. Yes, I have been through hell and back with my mom passing and I live each day coping, but I am not sitting depressed in a corner. I am taking life by the reins and going for the ride.

       School has been crazy, which was to be expected prior to acceptance, and things are only getting more fast paced from now til the end of the semester. I got my first A on a test this week and couldn't be more ecstatic! I studied all week when I was in Florida so I'm glad my grade showed my hard work. I also got a B on my test today and was very happy with that as well. I believe seeing Devin also had a part to play since my mind was a little more clear.

    Ya know what? Even after 8 years of being together I still cry at the airport when Devin and I have to separate again. He always has to remind me that we will see each other again soon. I still cry. To me, that's how you know you have true love. I am very proud of him for following his dream and putting it into action. Soon enough we will be together again. Fortunately, I get to go back out over the summer and then he will be back in San Antonio for good!

    I didn't intend on making this a mush fest and "brag" but sometimes it's just needed to shout out to the world good, positive things!

To my friends who have yet to find true love, don't worry. Don't think you are ever too old. You aren't. You will find your soulmate in due time. We all have that one special person set on this earth. Don't settle and don't be hasty. Remember you will live with this person for the rest of your life :)

Always remember pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God. 

Nursing School 101

                   Nursing school is everything I thought it would be.

• Hard
• Time consuming
• Hard
• Interesting
• Fun
• Hard

                       I have made a lot of new friends and enjoy learning new things each day. Sometimes the day is long and sometimes the week feels like an eternity, but all in all I wouldn't trade it for anything. I would like that Devin was here with me, but soon enough I keep telling myself. He has one more year and then we will NEVER be apart! (que evil laugh) Mwahahahaha Just kidding!

                    So.... I am only a little over a month in and I can't believe how much I have learned in such a short amount of time. I look at my schedule at all I still have to learn in just the weeks leading up to spring break and my jaw drops while my heart pounds and sweat pours down my head! Ok, so maybe I don't get that anxiety stricken, but still it's overwhelming. Shoot! Devin isn't even here to distract me and I'm loosing my mind sometimes. I can only imagine when things pick up even more and he is here! I will be in my 3rd semester when he is back. Right now, I am scheduling study sessions with friends whenever because I am only worrying about myself. Once Devin is back, I will have to take into consideration if he wants to go see a movie or just cuddle on the couch. It will be nice though to have him back. He is and always will be my rock.

                  Back to nursing school! The teachers are extremely nice and helpful. I am so thankful for that. I had this awful imagine in my mind prior to school starting that they were going to quiz us all the time on micro and chem stuff. I thought I would be lost in the dark all the time, but they explain things so well I only feel lost sometimes :)

                  I was able to administer medication this week in my clinical rotation and take out a urinary catheter. How weird is it that I am overly excited to do that? I can't wait to give my first subcutaneous injection and even insert a urinary catheter. I am still a little nervous to take out an NG tube, but hey it's going to happen one of these days. I am beyond grateful that I am in nursing school and on my way to getting a bachelor's degree and becoming a register nurse. It's all so surreal. It feels like yesterday I was sitting in a dance studio freaking out about competition routines in high school. Crazy how priorities and time change.

                 So I just wrote my second paper for the semester and let me just say it was probably the most emotional one I will have to write. Of course it was about my mom. We had to write about an experience that will influence how we will be as a nurse. My mom is and always will be with me, but seeing as how she also had cancer everything just seems to come back to her. It took me awhile to finally find the "courage" to write the first sentence. I was putting it off more and more because I had other stuff to do for other classes, but also because I wasn't quite sure how detailed I could get without having to just stop and take minute.

                No matter how long it will be without my mom. 3 years, 10 years, or even 20 years it will always be difficult. She was my best friend. I confiding in her about almost everything. She gave the best advice when wanted and not wanted :) and was always there to just listen. At times, I forget she isn't just a phone call away. I use to think people were weird for still grieving over losing someone after many years had gone by. Especially when they acted fine. I'm sorry to those for thinking that, even though you don't know I thought that. It's true that you don't know how to react to something until you have experience it yourself. I know now that it isn't easy and you are always grieving. It's just part of the process.

                  Anyways, so it took me some time to write the paper. I had my mother in law and  one of my best friends help me revise it. At the end of the final revision, my mother in law wrote to me and said ( in a nutshell) that she knows my mom is proud of me and is watching over me everyday and how happy she is that my mom shared me with her. It's hard not knowing what to do when your go to person isn't there anymore. Luckily, my mom and God blessed me with my dad, stepmom, and mother in law, and Devin and Janna, and close friends to confide in when needed.

                My mom was a tough cookie when it came to fighting for her life. I admire her for the strength she had every day. She honestly never asked why her. She took each day one step at a time and didn't sweat the small stuff. As I go on with my journey to becoming an RN, I know she will be with  me every step of the way. I am going to see heart breaking situation over my time as a nurse, but I will be able to relate more with patients and their families, which is why I think God did what he did. I still don't fully understand. I think I figured out part of the plan and that was to help my aunt and I become closer and my dad and sister and I have an even stronger bond. Later in life, when I least expect it, I will know why God planned to take my mom so early in life. I'm in no rush to find out because good things come to those who wait.

                Everyone just take away with you that we all have guardian angels watching over us helping to lead us in the right direction to achieve our dreams. Don't forget to thank those who helped get you where you are today. Also, remember to always pray to have eyes that see the best in people, a heart that forgives the worst, mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith in God.