Snap into REALity!

I laid in bed last night saying my prayers, thanking God for the life he has given Devin and I and thanking him for watching over us each day, I thought about all kinds of things I wanted to write in  my blog. Needless to say, I can't remember exactly what I wanted to talk about except for my math class.  Maybe it will come to me as I write today...

My math class is literally draining me. I feel like I am doing too much. I think it's because it's online so I have to do more work than if I was in person seeing the concepts and what not. I'm just glad I have an A and am almost done with this class. Granted I have two math classes to take next semester but oh well. It will all be worth it in the end. :)

I can't wait to apply for nursing school, get into nursing school and then officially be a Registered Nurse.

After my mom passed, a lot of people asked me if nursing was still what I wanted to do. I guess because dealing with mom was intense and I would run into other patients dealing with cancer or families dealing with death and that would trigger my memory, but I can't see myself doing anything else.

I enjoy helping people feel better and cope with hard times. They just want someone to talk to and treat them as if nothing is wrong. They wanted to be a normal person, those with a disease that is.

Honestly, I have been nervous about dealing with elderly people or people who have lost all ability to function. Before my mom had gone to the nursing home, she had lost the ability to feed herself, shower, and dress herself. Seeing someone else like that who also can't communicate is going to be tough. I thought at one point maybe I should do something else in the medical field, but I keep remembering that my mom would want me to continue with becoming nurse and she wouldn't want me to not do so because I was fearful.

I know she would be proud of me carrying on and keeping her in my heart. I also figured I could share my story along the way. And by me experiencing death in different ways, I will be able to help people of all ages.

My mom didn't think on the negative side. Even though she would complain about things, after she ranted, she took a breath and realized, " hey maybe this person is this way because they are going through a bad time in their life, or this situation is happening because this and that and the other".Sorry I can't be more descriptive, but the jist is she still found the positivity  in the situation.

I believe I was put here on this Earth to help others. I married a man who is a very caring and generous person. He often puts others before himself. It drives me crazy sometimes, but in the end I am so glad we helped whoever it may be. I believe my mom taught me to not judge others and try to remember how others feel.

God gave me Devin to remind me of how I need remain the caring and generous person I am and my mom taught me to be.

You know how it often seems that the generous nice guy always gets the crappy end of the stick, but then one day it's finally the nice guy's day and he is "paid back" for all the acts of kindness he did. The key is that the nice guy , even though at times he may feel defeated, he always gets back up helps someone else and doesn't really pay attention to when and how he gets paid back.

As long as Devin and I have been together, Devin and I have always helped people, no matter how small or big the task. Devin and I would feel like we lost in the end because of the outcome. We would help someone and then when we would ask them for a favor they would say no. We felt defeated, but we always ended up helping them out again along with helping others. I think by the continuous help, we just forgot about everything else and didn't pay attention to if we got anything in return.

I'm sorry if I completely confused you while reading this. I pretty much just started ranting and thought hey, all you nice guys out there reading this. Here's to you! Don't forget your  good deed(s) is/are not forgotten.

Happy 57th Mama

So I don't if you have seen Long Island Medium, but I am not a consistent follower of the show. For some reason, the last few episodes I have been watching and have become really interested. I mean so interested that I signed Janna, my dad, and I up to speak with her one day. So we are on the waiting list. Whenever the day comes that our names our next, if my sister and dad don't want to go through with it that's fine.

Anyways, so I woke up this morning and made Devin's lunch and breakfast like usual. I was kinda tired but I decided to stay up and watch some shows I recorded last night since I was working. I knew it was Long Island Medium's season finale and she was sending her youngest daughter off to college and doing a group reading on Halloween.

So I am currently watching the season finale episode where she sends her daughter off to college. They go shopping for items to put in her dorm room and come across a sign that has the entire " You are my sunshine" song. Theresa starts crying because she said that her grandma use to sing that to all the grandkids and great grandkids and had her daughter get the sign because she believed that her grandma was definitely sending her and Victoria a sign that she was watching over them. Theresa says that she believes our loved ones send us signs like that at times when we need them most.

Now call me crazy, but today is my mom's 57th birthday. This is the first birthday of her's that she is not here for. My mom would sing "You are my sunshine" to Janna and I when we were growing up. How crazy is it that I am watching a tv show about a lady who talks to dead people and her and her daughter come across a sign that was something my mom use to sing. I truly believe it was a sign from her saying that she is here for her birthday. When I saw that, I cried and I said out loud, "Happy Birthday Mama."

Well then Theresa, her husband and their son are helping Victoria move into the dorm room. They are unloading the car and setting things up in her room. Her roommate comes in with her mom and they start carrying on a conversation about how their day was before they arrived. Theresa says, " I know my grandma is watching over them." She told them about the sign and then looked at Victoria's roommate's mom and said, "Did your mom pass? Because she is coming forward and saying 'Hey I am here to watch over my granddaughter too!'" She started to cry. Theresa explained that she was medium and what that meant. Theresa then says," Was your mom unable to communicate at the end? She wasn't able to show any emotion?"

In the end, my mom wasn't able to communicate either. She started having horrible headaches to where she wasn't awake. She slept all day. When she would open her eyes, she would just look at you. We would smile at her and give her hugs and kisses on her forehead and rub her head. She would always twirl her hair to relax herself. We would play with her hair for her because you could tell she was uncomfortable by how much she tossed and turned when the medicine would wear off.

I felt like she didn't know if I was there or not.

I believe my mom was/ is sitting next to me while I was watching the show. There were too many coincidences that were things that were true and spot on about my mom.

Also, I considered my mom my best friend. We may have argued about petty things, but whenever I had a bad day or was worried or happy, any emotion really, I called her.  She always knew what to say to calm me down or make me feel better. She also helped me see the other person's point of view.

At the very end of the episode, Theresa says, "I'm going to miss Victoria. She is my best friend."

When she said that, I knew for sure my mom was showing " Hey I am here on my birthday and I am smiling at you patting your back."

Happy 57th Birthday Mama. You are the angel you were always meant to be.

You will never be lonely

I should be getting ready for work, but I have something on my mind and I just need to get it out!

So for those you who read this, y'all know that Devin and I have obviously had a rough and tumble past few years.

I just wanted to stop by and brag a bit on him.

So sometimes we all forget things. Whether it be due to lack of sleep, not paying attention, or we got busy with other things, we forget our phones, keys, grocery list, mind! :)

Well this morning Devin forgot this medical paper. He needed it for this appointment he had today. He calls me ( at what I think is bright an early in the morning) like 4 times 7:18am, 7:21am, 7:22am, 7:24am. He says, " I need you to do me a huge favor." I said, "What?" with morning grumpiness and frustration of being awoken.

" I need you to bring me the paper on the dining table that is sitting on top of my truck manual."

Ugh.

"REALLY?!" He replied, " I'm sorry.Throw some clothes on ( since I had on pj's) and  meet me at the 76 gas station. I'm on my way."

I grunt and groan and yell and curse. I change out of my pjs and head out the door.

Devin's truck is an 1988 Chevy Silverado. The key hole or the key or both, well you have to jiggle it in order to get it to open the dang door.

I sat for what I think was 20 minutes messing with the driver's side and the passenger side. I keep thinking " Geeze I wish there was a clicker so it would already be open."

I finally get it unlocked. I jump in the truck and go on my way. I meet him at the gas station, after I drove 15-20 minutes just to get there since we live out in the boonies. He gives me a kiss, with a smile, and thanks me.

I pouted and said I am going to get  coffee. We drive away and then I get a phone call from him.

"Can you get me a coffee?"
"Okay."

I go to starbucks sit in line and get us both coffees. After giving him his, I drive off heading back home. I call him and we talk about grocery shopping and what not and then he says, "Thank you for bringing the paper to me." I said, " You're welcome. I would have been there sooner but I couldn't get in the dang truck. I kept cursing saying 'who in the world would buy a truck that the damn key doesn't even work to open the damn thing!'" He laughed and said " I know, I know I'm sorry."

Later in the day, I'm watching a recording of X Factor and I'm telling him who got kicked off and what happened. We start talking about these people as if we've known them for years!

Throughout the day he calls to check up on me making sure I am okay and what not.

I just wanted to brag and say how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him. He  may royally piss me off, but at the end of the day we crawl into bed with our puppies and he gives me a kiss and says goodnight. We have been through a lot with one another, but we made that promise to one another that we would be there for each other through sickness and health for richer or poorer til death do us part. He is an amazing man and I hope others who have met him and been a part of our lives are able to experience his awesomeness too.

I love you Devin Taylor Monaco. XOXOX

The truth will set you FREE

So Devin and I have experience so many hardships together whether it be because of the military or because of life itself. I wanted to write a word document for the things that I can't really put out on the internet. Anyways, here I am trying to let out my frustration about army life and I find myself writing about my mom.

Is that horrible?

I mean it will be a year in a couple of weeks. I guess I should rephrase.

Should I been more "moved" on by now?

Maybe these are more rhetorical questions but still it would be nice if there was a manual or something that could help say when is the time you should be able to let loose again.

Whenever I reflect on the day that I broke down and cried in my mother-in-laws arms, I cry all over again. She just held me and comforted me and didn't judge that snot was running down my face just as fast as tears were. She told me how sorry she was, but she didn't have any part in it. This was the plan that God had for my mom. God was the only one in control.

It hurt seeing my mom in such a vulnerable position.

I just needed to get that out there and take a deep breath and ramble and rant.

(((((( BIG BREATH))))))

((((((SIGH))))))

((((INHALE))))

(((((EXHALE))))

Okay I am ready.

So I had to work Halloween. It sucked because I had asked off for it like 3 weeks ago and I never got a response so I figured that meant I had to work. It wasn't too busy, but at the tail end right before we close we get a table. It was like 15 minutes til so it wasn't bad and since they tipped $20 it wasn't bad either. Well we close at 9 on Wednesday and here the sign is off and it's apparent that we are closed, but this lady sees the open sign off, reads the hours, and opens the door and asks if we are open. My boss's friends told him to just let them in so he did. They stayed for an hour and ordered all kinds of food. They were nice and funny at least, but still come on people.

I was really looking forward to passing out candy with Devin tonight, but nope that wasn't in the works for us. Devin had to do 24 hour duty and I had to work ( like mentioned earlier). I think passing out the candy would probably be more fun than trick or treating because:
1. You buy the candy and you can ration out how much you give so at the end of the night you have candy, that you like, all to yourself and you didn't even have to go door to door.
2. You get to see all the creative costumes ranging from ages infant-adult lol

Anyways, by the time Christmas rolls around I will be over this but for now I am upset. :)

Well so the sushi chef decides to tell me, after he has been drinking and while we are waiting for the last table to finish, that people who pray are weak. I said, "What?!" He replied, " Yea, people pray for a better life, things to happen in their favor, etc so they are weak." I said, "NO! And you don't want to get me started on this so I suggest you stop." He said, " No really, they are weak. Why you pray?" I said, " Yes I do." He said, " Oh well, sorry." I said, " Now I know you are drunk but seriously you need to keep that off limits."

It just pissed me off and made me really want to leave more because of how ignorant he was/is. I still can't believe he said that out loud.

TRANSITION

So I have been craving mexican candy. I sent my dad a picture of these lollipops I wanted plus the spaghetti lucas. He sent me so much that I will have enough by the time we go back to Texas. My dad sends the greatest care packages though. They last for forever!

I just wanted to end this saying I am honored to call my dad MY dad. ( Well yea, he's Janna's dad too , but you get what I mean) His next door neighbor had three kids all in high school. The oldest who was a senior committed suicide last week. The mom found him and she is having nightmares and still greatly effected. ( Of course) They pay $1100 a month for rent and got their car repossessed. My dad wants to help them and have them move into his old house once he puts new carpet in it and help them out. They can get out of the house with the bad juju and pay less a month for rent. This man is truly self less.

Let it out

Geeze, I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted! A lot sure has happened in this past month. I guess I just want to give you thrilling news that's why I wait so long to post. Haha

Well we are leaving WA soon! It's going to be so exciting to be back home with family and friends. It will have been a little over a year since Devin has been back to Texas. I would say the same for me, but I went in May for Janna's graduation. I am craving a chorizo and potato taco, whataburger, chik fil a, and chili's LOL Washington is definitely missing out on some good eats!

We found out Devin has to do reserves for a little over 4 years to fulfill his contract to the Army. It's not the worse thing, but they didn't have his job available so he has to re class. That also is not the worse thing ever, it's just irritating. We will get through it though. I have my usual day, if not just a few hours, to grunt and groan and holler and curse, but after that I face it head on and roll with it. I mean honestly what else can I do? If I remain negative about it the whole time, then I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not helping Devin any. I know he is just as frustrated because it conflicts with his schooling and what he wants to do too. I need to be here to support him. I joke sometimes and say that I should write a book about our "adventures" in the military. I think I should really take that into consideration. No one has the same story and I personally think each story is interesting. TLC , Bravo, or Discovery should really consider making a reality show about military wives. Not just Army all the branches. I think it would give good insight.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I have to work unfortunately. I was looking forward to passing out candy with Devin, but oh well I guess. Hopefully, it's not too crazy. This weekend is a pet expo in puyallup. Since Devin and I have been dating, we would go to the Live Oak Civic Center and attend the pet shows. Devin got his first bird there.Anyways, we are animal lovers and like to go to them so that is our plan for this weekend. Also, there is a sonic in Puyallup so I think a cherry limeade and tater tots are calling my name! :)

My mom's birthday is coming up. On Monday, she would have been 57. I know she is having a good celebration with her dad in heaven. I just wish she was here so we could have a margarita together. It's crazy that in a few weeks it will be a year since she has passed. It's a bit surreal.

There is this show on TLC called Long Island Medium. I started watching it and have really gotten into it. Janna and my dad don't know this, but I went to Theresa Caputo's website and asked to be put on her waiting list. I was watching it last night and the whole time Devin was making fun of it. I know he thinks its fake, but I really believe in it. If I can meet Theresa and she can do a reading for me great. If not, that's okay too. I'm really just curious.

This semester is flying by. I will be taking my final sometime in the beginning of December. I'm surprised. I can't wait for this class to be done though and onto my last three classes so I can graduate in May! Woohooo

Too early

I got up pretty early this morning. Usually after devin leaves I can go right back to bed no problem. Today is different. I had an interesting dream and I think it's because I went to bed thinking about it.

I dreamed that mom was still alive and we called her and the first thing she said was ,"I'm so glad I get to spend more time with Devin." I said ,"What do you mean?" and she said, "I didn't know his grandpa passed away in 1976." I said, " He didn't. He pass away in 2010." She just smiled. Then I woke up.

I went to bed thinking about my mom. I miss her terribly. We did the 5th annual brain cancer awareness walk on Saturday in Seattle. It was a rewarding experience. I saw some people there who have brain cancer. It obviously struck a nerve and I cried for a little. Luckily, I wasn't the only one their crying. :) Anyways, a lot of people were walking with walkers or in wheelchairs. Some were walking without the help of any cane, etc they were just walking with their friends and family. It inspired Devin and I to start our own walk in San Antonio. I know the Race for the Cure is huge in San Antonio. I am in the process of figuring out how I can go about starting San Antonio's brain cancer awareness walk.

I was watching Sixteen Candles and in the beginning Molly Ringwald is on the school bus and there is a girl sitting across from her wearing a back brace. My mom use to wear just like that. She would tell Janna and I about how she got teased all the time in school. She even won an award one time and this one girl came up to my mom and told her that she only got the award because of her back brace. My mom didn't want it if that was the true reason so she gave it to the little girl. Her teacher found out and gave it back to her and told her she earned the award. It had nothing to do with her having a back brace.

On the Ellen show, she talks about how we need to stop bullying. When my mom was a counselor, she always dealt with bullying and helped the bullies and those who were getting bullied. I sat in bed last night in amazement as to how much of an impact my mom still had on people.

I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post but if I did oh well. When Janna and I were little, my mom would take us to this daycare right by her work. The lady who owned it, Ms. Cherri, had a daughter named Ashley. She was about our same age. She went to my mom's school. I found her on facebook and she told me how sorry she was for my loss and told me how much of an impact my mom had on her life. She then posted on her facebook status about my mom passing and one of Ashley's friend commented and said how he remembered my mom and how nice of a lady she was.  She helped Ashley deal with bullying and was always an advocate to end bullying. I would always laugh, but it really is a serious subject. I know I got bullied in middle school and my mom was the first person to help me.

I don't know if I am making any sense. Now the whole me not going back to bed is catching up with me. My eyesight is getting blurry. Well anyways, thanks for listening to me babble and get some  things off of my chest.

Begins with a Single Step

Saturday is the Brain Cancer Awareness Walk in Seattle.

Devin and I are going to walk with my Aunt and Uncle. ( My mom's sister) They are flying from Oklahoma on Thursday. I printed a picture of mom from our wedding that captures her personality and who she was perfectly. I am going to bring it to the walk and place it in the Tent of Honor. She definitely deserves to be honored. :)

Here is the link for our website that I created. It has walk information and links for you to sign up, as a virtual walker if you are not able to attend in person, and a link to make donations.

http://community.swedish.org/walkingforacause

I tried to post the picture of her that I am bringing to the walk but it was too large and since I am not all that computer literate I couldn't resize it. I decided I would attempt to put it on here so you too can understand what I am talking about.

Oh goody! ( As Mom would say!) It worked! You see what I mean? This is the perfect picture of her.

I didn't have a whole lot to write about today,but I have one last thing for you to read. As you start your day, remember this poem:

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
That can still be rearranged

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

My dad read this and knew it was about my mom. At her funeral, this song was played. It really makes you think, am I truly living?

Take a moment to re evaluate your life and the choices you have made.