A year ago...

I woke up this morning really thinking that no one was going to remember what today was besides my sister and my dad.

Last night, when I got home from work, Devin said, "tomorrow is going to be long and full of tears. I added on and said, " Yea tomorrow is going to be a tough day."

Then I knew he remembered.

We went to bed. I woke up and made Devin's lunch and breakfast. He gave me a hug before he left work. He told me, " I am going to try and come home early, but if you need anything call me. Don't forget to call your sister too." He hugged me and kissed me. I went back to bed. He went off to work.

I cried for a little, took a deep breath and went to sleep.

I woke up to a text message from one of best friends, Katie.

She asked me how I was doing.  I couldn't believe she remembered. Honestly, even if she didn't know until she saw something else, like someone else say something or whatever it doesn't matter because not very many people would take the time out of their day to say "hey how are you" 

Katie offered to go to the grave site since I haven't been since the funeral. The head stone was going to take like 4 or so months so when I was there for the funeral it was just grass. I think Katie could tell I was getting upset, so she was saying stuff in the texts to make me laugh. For instance, "I'll see how the ol' headstone is holding up."

Then another one of my best friends, Sarah, texted me and said she was thinking of me today too. 

It made me really happy to know that some of my friends remembered today.

I knew Janna was heading home today from College Station. She wanted to go to mom's grave site too. She said one of her friend's might go with her and my dad too. I figured the more people the better because then it would feel better. 

I don't know if my dad has gone to the grave site since the funeral. I know Janna has.   I don't know if it's my dad's way of detaching himself and coping or what exactly. 

The three of us are dealing with it in different ways. 

This may sound weird, but today I have been looking through pictures remembering where we were, when that was, what was going. Ya  know things like that.

If I cry or end up sobbing the entire time, I think it helps me to deal, cope, whatever you want to call it.

((I'll post some of the pictures I had on my computer on here at the end.))

My sister has her moments I know, but my dad I don't know. He seems to be more quiet about it and would rather not talk about it for too long. That's fine if that's what helps him deal with the situation. I know this week is going to be harder on him that any of us because friday would be there 23rd wedding anniversary. After being together for so long, you just can't forget things like that.

I wish I could be writing today saying that it was a year ago that my mom was put into remission but God had a different plan for her. Each day I discover more reasons why he chose her to join him in heaven. It's hard to remember why on days like today, but tomorrow will be better. 

God has a beautiful person inside and out with him today. I'm jealous of him, my grand father I never got to meet ( my mom's dad), my grandparents ( my dad's parents), and this little boy named Rudy that attended my mom's school when she was a counselor who had leukemia. They all get to celebrate with her today. One year of being an angel.

I love you Mama.

                      This is my mom and I at the going away dinner for me before I left for Korea, the first time. It was at BJ's in Stone Oak. At this time, we didn't know she had cancer. She was so sad that I was leaving. I was so happy to be starting my life as a married woman. :)

                                    Left to Right: Janna, Momo ( my mom's mom), Mom, Me
                              This was in Arlington the summer before I left for Korea. I know it's hard to believe it was summer since there are Christmas trees behind us, but we were at our favorite tea room in Arlington called the Rose Garden. They had a bunch of fake trees up ready to go!

                                         Left to Right: Mom, Lisa, Me, Janna, and Ashley
                                Geeze, I just realized my eyes are closed. Oh well. It's a good picture otherwise.  
           This was at Lisa's baby shower. She was expecting her first baby, Naomi. Devin was at basic      training, so we weren't even engaged yet. Lisa and Ashely are very good family friends. They use to      babysit Janna and I. Their mom was one of our mom's best friend's. They lost their mom to breast cancer about the same age as Janna and I were when we lost our mom. They are the sweetest people you will ever meet.

                                               Left to Right: Me, Janna, Mom, and Momo
                                     This was Thanksgiving 2009. We went to the A&M vs UT game at College Station. Again, Devin was in basic training, so we weren't engaged yet. We were getting ready to go walk around the Aggie Bonfire Memorial. It was so cold!

                                                       Left to Right: Mom, Janna and Me
                                   Sorry, the picture is side ways. I can't figure out how to flip it to the right. Anyways, this was also Thanksgiving 2009, as you can tell. We are at the Memorial with the wind blowing in our hair! I gave Janna a blanket for graduation with this picture on it :)

                                                              My Mom and My Aunt
                                         I sat next to my mom and then Janna was next to me. Momo and my cousin and Uncle were sitting somewhere else. It was so cold. We are near the end zone. There were so many UT fans around us. I kept checking my phone to see if Devin was going to call from basic training. He didn't :( I think I even cried and my mom, like mom's do, was there to comfort me :)

                                                               Mom, Me, and Devin
                                Devin was taking holiday leave from basic training. We, of course, hit up Bass Pro Shop to get some tasty Kettle Korn. We still weren't engaged just yet :) My mom was so proud of Devin and all of his accomplishments. She always called him, " the son she never had."

My mom and I before graduation outside of our house

 

                                              Left to Right: Grandma, Me, Mom, Janna, Dad
                                         This was after Spring Show my senior year. My dad was having a horrible gout episode so he couldn't walk so he was in a wheelchair. My grandma wasn't really able to walk too well either so she was in a wheelchair too. My mother-in-law is taking the picture. Devin was getting to officially join the army so he couldn't be there :(

                                       My mom and I at Madison High school. I graduated Magna Cum Laude so I was given my white sash to wear over my graduation robe. She is obviously one proud lady!

                                                                             
                                              Mom and I at Spirit Banquet. Her and my dad were the President's of the Spirit Club. She put it in a lot of hard work and extra time out of her day. I'm so glad she did. It gave us more time to spend with one another, even if at the time , she drove me nuts!

                                        My mom and I in New York City at the Tavern on the Green. This place is no longer there. It was a trip for my senior year. She was a chaperone and an amazing one at that. All kinds of drama went down and she was there to pick up the pieces and mediate! She drove me crazy with how excited she was and how many pictures she wanted to take, but I wouldn't take any of that back for the world!

                                          My mom and I on Halloween in 2010. She was just diagnosed and was undergoing chemo and radiation. We sat outside and passed out candy.

                                           My mom and Dad! They were getting ready to celebrate their anniversary in a month. I just realized this, but they are both wearing orange! :)

                                         My mom and I at the Paul Mitchell Hair Show. Janna was one of the models. This was Fall 2010. Mom was looking pretty good for doing chemo and radiation.

                                                    Mom and Dad at the Hair Show

                                                      Mom and I eating dinner with Dad and Janna at one of favorite sushi restaurants in San Anotnio, Godai. She never ate Sushi. She always got Chicken Teriyaki. The necklace she is wearing in this picture is what Janna and I got her for her birthday this year. Little did we know, this would be the last birthday she would rememeber, at least it was a good one.

                                 We are celebrating my 20th birthday early since I am about to head back to Korea. Mom is done with her chemo and radiation treatments now. She started losing her hair so since it was so thin she put a hat on. Hey it's a cute hat! We ate the cheesecake factory. I invited some friends. We had a good time. Little did I know, it was the last birthday I was going to spend with her.

                         My mom and I at the airport getting ready to go see Devin graduate from basic training.  We were both so excited! The necklace she is wearing here, my dad gave to her. It has her initals on the back. She loved the jewelry he made her.

                                   My mom with my mother in law. It's not often that you see the in laws who actually like each other. They were good friends through and through.

                                       My parents and Janna came to Korea March 2011. They were so excited! We took them to eat at our favorite italian restaurant in Ujeongbu. Janna was so jet lagged she was at home sleeping. My mom so cold, my dad gave her his jacket. :)

                                           We went and ate at Hooter's in Korea too!

   
                                         Then we had to say goodbye. They visited for spring break. It was a nice visit. We would be seeing them soon in June/July for the wedding.


Such great memories that I am so glad I have to look back on.
    

My Mom was so brave God made her an Angel

This month I have been having some trouble falling asleep at night. I don't know if it's my body and mind reliving what happened a year ago or what the deal is.

I usually don't have such a hard time falling asleep, but I end lying in bed for 30 minutes listening to Devin snore and the radio play. I take deep breaths and try to relax, but it seems like when I exhale the tension creeps back in.

I bought some melatonin the other day to help my body get back on track a little bit, but I haven't been able to give it a good try with my work schedule.

I full thought I wasn't going to be working last night or tonight, but little did I know I was.

Being a waitress is something I will definitely not miss. I really liked being a receptionist. Shoot working 9-4 having weekends and holidays off. It was nice. Now I'm working at night only while Devin is at home. It's a bit frustrating. I'm just glad I won't have to do this too much longer.

Anyways, I laid in bed last night thinking about where I was on this day last year. I couldn't help but cry. Not sobs just normal tears. It's weird that it's going to be a year tomorrow.

I must say this is the hardest year I have ever had to experience. I lost my mom, I moved back to the states, finishing up school, getting a new job,etc. Life and God have definitely shown me that I can conquer anything I am given.

I know I won't be in the best state of mind tomorrow, but luckily I have Devin, Janna, and my dad along with great friends.

 Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday would be my parent's anniversary. I know my Dad will be having a tough week.

I talk to my Dad often, but it's nothing compared to my mom. My mom would send text messages all throughout the day whether we just off the phone or not. My dad doesn't really do that. I'm not saying that he needs to it's just we have a different relationship than my mom and I had.

I talked to my Aunt Bea yesterday. I never realized how much her and my mom looked like alike until she came to visit in September. I was in awe. It was like seeing my mom. It hit home a little. When I talk to her on the phone, she reminds me of my mom sometimes, but then she says something that is so NOT my mom and I snap back and remember nope still my  Aunt. lol

I really just the next couple of days to fly by.

Snap into REALity!

I laid in bed last night saying my prayers, thanking God for the life he has given Devin and I and thanking him for watching over us each day, I thought about all kinds of things I wanted to write in  my blog. Needless to say, I can't remember exactly what I wanted to talk about except for my math class.  Maybe it will come to me as I write today...

My math class is literally draining me. I feel like I am doing too much. I think it's because it's online so I have to do more work than if I was in person seeing the concepts and what not. I'm just glad I have an A and am almost done with this class. Granted I have two math classes to take next semester but oh well. It will all be worth it in the end. :)

I can't wait to apply for nursing school, get into nursing school and then officially be a Registered Nurse.

After my mom passed, a lot of people asked me if nursing was still what I wanted to do. I guess because dealing with mom was intense and I would run into other patients dealing with cancer or families dealing with death and that would trigger my memory, but I can't see myself doing anything else.

I enjoy helping people feel better and cope with hard times. They just want someone to talk to and treat them as if nothing is wrong. They wanted to be a normal person, those with a disease that is.

Honestly, I have been nervous about dealing with elderly people or people who have lost all ability to function. Before my mom had gone to the nursing home, she had lost the ability to feed herself, shower, and dress herself. Seeing someone else like that who also can't communicate is going to be tough. I thought at one point maybe I should do something else in the medical field, but I keep remembering that my mom would want me to continue with becoming nurse and she wouldn't want me to not do so because I was fearful.

I know she would be proud of me carrying on and keeping her in my heart. I also figured I could share my story along the way. And by me experiencing death in different ways, I will be able to help people of all ages.

My mom didn't think on the negative side. Even though she would complain about things, after she ranted, she took a breath and realized, " hey maybe this person is this way because they are going through a bad time in their life, or this situation is happening because this and that and the other".Sorry I can't be more descriptive, but the jist is she still found the positivity  in the situation.

I believe I was put here on this Earth to help others. I married a man who is a very caring and generous person. He often puts others before himself. It drives me crazy sometimes, but in the end I am so glad we helped whoever it may be. I believe my mom taught me to not judge others and try to remember how others feel.

God gave me Devin to remind me of how I need remain the caring and generous person I am and my mom taught me to be.

You know how it often seems that the generous nice guy always gets the crappy end of the stick, but then one day it's finally the nice guy's day and he is "paid back" for all the acts of kindness he did. The key is that the nice guy , even though at times he may feel defeated, he always gets back up helps someone else and doesn't really pay attention to when and how he gets paid back.

As long as Devin and I have been together, Devin and I have always helped people, no matter how small or big the task. Devin and I would feel like we lost in the end because of the outcome. We would help someone and then when we would ask them for a favor they would say no. We felt defeated, but we always ended up helping them out again along with helping others. I think by the continuous help, we just forgot about everything else and didn't pay attention to if we got anything in return.

I'm sorry if I completely confused you while reading this. I pretty much just started ranting and thought hey, all you nice guys out there reading this. Here's to you! Don't forget your  good deed(s) is/are not forgotten.

Happy 57th Mama

So I don't if you have seen Long Island Medium, but I am not a consistent follower of the show. For some reason, the last few episodes I have been watching and have become really interested. I mean so interested that I signed Janna, my dad, and I up to speak with her one day. So we are on the waiting list. Whenever the day comes that our names our next, if my sister and dad don't want to go through with it that's fine.

Anyways, so I woke up this morning and made Devin's lunch and breakfast like usual. I was kinda tired but I decided to stay up and watch some shows I recorded last night since I was working. I knew it was Long Island Medium's season finale and she was sending her youngest daughter off to college and doing a group reading on Halloween.

So I am currently watching the season finale episode where she sends her daughter off to college. They go shopping for items to put in her dorm room and come across a sign that has the entire " You are my sunshine" song. Theresa starts crying because she said that her grandma use to sing that to all the grandkids and great grandkids and had her daughter get the sign because she believed that her grandma was definitely sending her and Victoria a sign that she was watching over them. Theresa says that she believes our loved ones send us signs like that at times when we need them most.

Now call me crazy, but today is my mom's 57th birthday. This is the first birthday of her's that she is not here for. My mom would sing "You are my sunshine" to Janna and I when we were growing up. How crazy is it that I am watching a tv show about a lady who talks to dead people and her and her daughter come across a sign that was something my mom use to sing. I truly believe it was a sign from her saying that she is here for her birthday. When I saw that, I cried and I said out loud, "Happy Birthday Mama."

Well then Theresa, her husband and their son are helping Victoria move into the dorm room. They are unloading the car and setting things up in her room. Her roommate comes in with her mom and they start carrying on a conversation about how their day was before they arrived. Theresa says, " I know my grandma is watching over them." She told them about the sign and then looked at Victoria's roommate's mom and said, "Did your mom pass? Because she is coming forward and saying 'Hey I am here to watch over my granddaughter too!'" She started to cry. Theresa explained that she was medium and what that meant. Theresa then says," Was your mom unable to communicate at the end? She wasn't able to show any emotion?"

In the end, my mom wasn't able to communicate either. She started having horrible headaches to where she wasn't awake. She slept all day. When she would open her eyes, she would just look at you. We would smile at her and give her hugs and kisses on her forehead and rub her head. She would always twirl her hair to relax herself. We would play with her hair for her because you could tell she was uncomfortable by how much she tossed and turned when the medicine would wear off.

I felt like she didn't know if I was there or not.

I believe my mom was/ is sitting next to me while I was watching the show. There were too many coincidences that were things that were true and spot on about my mom.

Also, I considered my mom my best friend. We may have argued about petty things, but whenever I had a bad day or was worried or happy, any emotion really, I called her.  She always knew what to say to calm me down or make me feel better. She also helped me see the other person's point of view.

At the very end of the episode, Theresa says, "I'm going to miss Victoria. She is my best friend."

When she said that, I knew for sure my mom was showing " Hey I am here on my birthday and I am smiling at you patting your back."

Happy 57th Birthday Mama. You are the angel you were always meant to be.

You will never be lonely

I should be getting ready for work, but I have something on my mind and I just need to get it out!

So for those you who read this, y'all know that Devin and I have obviously had a rough and tumble past few years.

I just wanted to stop by and brag a bit on him.

So sometimes we all forget things. Whether it be due to lack of sleep, not paying attention, or we got busy with other things, we forget our phones, keys, grocery list, mind! :)

Well this morning Devin forgot this medical paper. He needed it for this appointment he had today. He calls me ( at what I think is bright an early in the morning) like 4 times 7:18am, 7:21am, 7:22am, 7:24am. He says, " I need you to do me a huge favor." I said, "What?" with morning grumpiness and frustration of being awoken.

" I need you to bring me the paper on the dining table that is sitting on top of my truck manual."

Ugh.

"REALLY?!" He replied, " I'm sorry.Throw some clothes on ( since I had on pj's) and  meet me at the 76 gas station. I'm on my way."

I grunt and groan and yell and curse. I change out of my pjs and head out the door.

Devin's truck is an 1988 Chevy Silverado. The key hole or the key or both, well you have to jiggle it in order to get it to open the dang door.

I sat for what I think was 20 minutes messing with the driver's side and the passenger side. I keep thinking " Geeze I wish there was a clicker so it would already be open."

I finally get it unlocked. I jump in the truck and go on my way. I meet him at the gas station, after I drove 15-20 minutes just to get there since we live out in the boonies. He gives me a kiss, with a smile, and thanks me.

I pouted and said I am going to get  coffee. We drive away and then I get a phone call from him.

"Can you get me a coffee?"
"Okay."

I go to starbucks sit in line and get us both coffees. After giving him his, I drive off heading back home. I call him and we talk about grocery shopping and what not and then he says, "Thank you for bringing the paper to me." I said, " You're welcome. I would have been there sooner but I couldn't get in the dang truck. I kept cursing saying 'who in the world would buy a truck that the damn key doesn't even work to open the damn thing!'" He laughed and said " I know, I know I'm sorry."

Later in the day, I'm watching a recording of X Factor and I'm telling him who got kicked off and what happened. We start talking about these people as if we've known them for years!

Throughout the day he calls to check up on me making sure I am okay and what not.

I just wanted to brag and say how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him. He  may royally piss me off, but at the end of the day we crawl into bed with our puppies and he gives me a kiss and says goodnight. We have been through a lot with one another, but we made that promise to one another that we would be there for each other through sickness and health for richer or poorer til death do us part. He is an amazing man and I hope others who have met him and been a part of our lives are able to experience his awesomeness too.

I love you Devin Taylor Monaco. XOXOX

The truth will set you FREE

So Devin and I have experience so many hardships together whether it be because of the military or because of life itself. I wanted to write a word document for the things that I can't really put out on the internet. Anyways, here I am trying to let out my frustration about army life and I find myself writing about my mom.

Is that horrible?

I mean it will be a year in a couple of weeks. I guess I should rephrase.

Should I been more "moved" on by now?

Maybe these are more rhetorical questions but still it would be nice if there was a manual or something that could help say when is the time you should be able to let loose again.

Whenever I reflect on the day that I broke down and cried in my mother-in-laws arms, I cry all over again. She just held me and comforted me and didn't judge that snot was running down my face just as fast as tears were. She told me how sorry she was, but she didn't have any part in it. This was the plan that God had for my mom. God was the only one in control.

It hurt seeing my mom in such a vulnerable position.

I just needed to get that out there and take a deep breath and ramble and rant.

(((((( BIG BREATH))))))

((((((SIGH))))))

((((INHALE))))

(((((EXHALE))))

Okay I am ready.

So I had to work Halloween. It sucked because I had asked off for it like 3 weeks ago and I never got a response so I figured that meant I had to work. It wasn't too busy, but at the tail end right before we close we get a table. It was like 15 minutes til so it wasn't bad and since they tipped $20 it wasn't bad either. Well we close at 9 on Wednesday and here the sign is off and it's apparent that we are closed, but this lady sees the open sign off, reads the hours, and opens the door and asks if we are open. My boss's friends told him to just let them in so he did. They stayed for an hour and ordered all kinds of food. They were nice and funny at least, but still come on people.

I was really looking forward to passing out candy with Devin tonight, but nope that wasn't in the works for us. Devin had to do 24 hour duty and I had to work ( like mentioned earlier). I think passing out the candy would probably be more fun than trick or treating because:
1. You buy the candy and you can ration out how much you give so at the end of the night you have candy, that you like, all to yourself and you didn't even have to go door to door.
2. You get to see all the creative costumes ranging from ages infant-adult lol

Anyways, by the time Christmas rolls around I will be over this but for now I am upset. :)

Well so the sushi chef decides to tell me, after he has been drinking and while we are waiting for the last table to finish, that people who pray are weak. I said, "What?!" He replied, " Yea, people pray for a better life, things to happen in their favor, etc so they are weak." I said, "NO! And you don't want to get me started on this so I suggest you stop." He said, " No really, they are weak. Why you pray?" I said, " Yes I do." He said, " Oh well, sorry." I said, " Now I know you are drunk but seriously you need to keep that off limits."

It just pissed me off and made me really want to leave more because of how ignorant he was/is. I still can't believe he said that out loud.

TRANSITION

So I have been craving mexican candy. I sent my dad a picture of these lollipops I wanted plus the spaghetti lucas. He sent me so much that I will have enough by the time we go back to Texas. My dad sends the greatest care packages though. They last for forever!

I just wanted to end this saying I am honored to call my dad MY dad. ( Well yea, he's Janna's dad too , but you get what I mean) His next door neighbor had three kids all in high school. The oldest who was a senior committed suicide last week. The mom found him and she is having nightmares and still greatly effected. ( Of course) They pay $1100 a month for rent and got their car repossessed. My dad wants to help them and have them move into his old house once he puts new carpet in it and help them out. They can get out of the house with the bad juju and pay less a month for rent. This man is truly self less.